The following post has been made into a very sexy and much more complete and pleasurable to read eBook which you can download here.
The idea that someone should just be able to ‘feel into you’ and if they can hit all your spots, they must be ‘the right one’ is a myth.
Please know that if you talk about sex in super early stage dating, you’re not going to ‘mess it up’. Though I get it. The early days, weeks and months of dating someone new can feel super tenuous.
You might feel like one wrong move will send the whole house of cards tumbling.
And so you kind of mosey into sex for the first time under the foggy cloak of suggestiveness and feeling like it’s ‘going to happen’.
And in doing so have seriously threatened your chances of having the best sex now and forever with this person.
Because studies have shown that couples that are able to talk openly about sex, are the ones that experience the best sex.
And this talking wants to happen early.
And I mean super early.
Because let’s just say it like it is, very few people are mind-readers – paranormal powers remain relatively rare amongst us humans today.
And whilst communication can happen beyond words, through movement towards or away or encouraging sounds, even if you’re good with non-verbal cues, you may be missing out on more than you might think.
If you want to know how your partner likes to be touched and where, where their boundaries are, what works for them and what doesn’t, then you need to ask.
Everyone is different. So even if you’ve been the most incredible lover on the planet in the past, everybody and every ‘body’ is different. And what works for one person may not work for another.
The more information you have to work with, the better you can support the other person in experiencing pleasure and share in their joy. And help them understand you and your body so they can do the same for you.
If you want to have good sex – to give pleasure and receive it – you need to communicate both your own wants, needs, and desires to your partner, and to ask them what works for them as well.
What should be talked about, exactly?
What is the best way to bring it up in the first place?
And how to deal with the awkwardness of it all?
Here are some guidelines on how to have the conversation. And move beyond the initial awkwardness, in the name of great sex for all involved.
How do I bring it up? It’s so awkward.
Sex is a part of life. It’s natural. It’s healthy.
And yet, society, culture and religion have coded into us that it’s shameful to speak about openly – even with those that we are hoping to be intimate with.
We can have sex more easily than we can talk about it.
And the price of this is quiet frustration, fumbling, and fear which put a big damper on our level of enjoyment under the covers.
Talking about sex will feel awkward at first for most, so know you are not alone. So be kind to yourself. No judging or criticising yourself for having things come out differently than you planned.
Know that like with most things, the more you do it the easier it gets.
How to make it easier:
Call yourself out. If it feels weird or you are unsure about talking openly about sex early on in dating, say so. This can help defuse the emotional charge.
‘It feels a bit awkward to talk about this, but it’s important to me to share with you what’s coming up for me around getting closer to you. Would you be up for a conversation about sex?’
‘It might be a bit too early to have this conversation, but it feels better for me to bring it up now as things move forward with us. Would you be open to a conversation about us sleeping together?’
‘I know most people don’t talk openly about sex before they have it, and I feel a bit embarrassed by asking this, but it’s important to me to understand a few things before we go there. How would an open conversation sound to you?’
Vulnerability is the key to intimacy. And when you share a deep truth that feels scary, it gives the other person permission to do the same.
And creates space for you to come closer together.
Normalising the conversation around intimacy and pleasure is one of the best thing you can do for your sex life.
When should I bring it up?
Start early – before you’ve had sex at all.
Have I done this? Errrrmmmm….nope. Which is why I am writing this post.
I wish I had. In every case.
There’s a fear or misconception that if you talk about sex too early then you’re going to disrupt the buildup, kill the mood, wreck havoc on anticipation, or look like a prude or the opposite – that you’re desperate.
Thereby ruining your chances of any kind of relationship with someone you actually for once kind of like.
Not to mention the risk feeling like a complete weirdo for nothing.
Well, let me tell you, feeling some awkwardness and discomfort in having the conversation outside of the bedroom, can make what happens in the bedroom for the first time a gazillion times better.
And if things with this gorgeous human you are getting to know continue over the long run, you have a solid base to work from.
As you pass through life together, your bodies change, your needs and desires shift, and your experience in the bedroom does as well.
Your ability as a couple to communicate about the sex you’re experiencing or not experiencing will have repercussions for the lifespan of your relationship.
And can make it...or break it.
Start talking about sex early on in a relationship, and you’ll have better sex over the short – and long term.
How to make it easier:
Invite the other person to have the conversation. Don’t spring it on someone last minute or dive right in.
You can say something like:
“It feels like we’re getting closer and I’m really attracted to you. Before I jump your bones, I’d love to have a conversation about it all so that we’re both on the same page. When would be a good time?”
“I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you. And I look forward to that continuing. Before we get physical, it would be great to have a chat about it. I’d love to hear how you feel about it, and I’d love to share what’s going on for me too. Are you free for coffee any time this week?”
Talking in the heat of the moment when you’re naked for the first time with someone, might make you feel extra vulnerable.
So make time away from the bedroom when neither of you are rushed or tired. And where you feel comfortable, relaxed, safe and where it’s private.
And all this said, it’s never too late to start. If you’ve already been with the person, go ahead and open a conversation
What do we talk about exactly?
There are 3 main areas that want to be covered here:
What sex means
Safer sex: sexual health
Pleasure
If that feels like a lot, it’s because it is!
Remember, this is the first of many conversations you’ll have over time with someone. So as long as you cover the basics before you jump in the sack, know that you can deepen in later.
Start with the more simple stuff to establish trust and intimacy. And keep it light.
What sex means
Sex means different things to different people.
What is the meaning you’re making from it? And what are the expectations that go along with that?
You can ask:
What does sex mean to you? Now? In the past?
In this relationship? In others?
If you’re having sex for the first time with someone, what does that mean to you? To them? Will you expect something more or different once you’ve been intimate with them physically?
Meaning may change over time but you want to be sure things are clear from the start.
Safer sex = more pleasure
This topic of conversation more than any other, should happen away from the bedroom to ensure honesty and openness.
STIs
For first time lovers or if your partner has been with someone else – ask when they were tested for STI’s (sexually transmitted infections). And to see the results.
It can feel sticky to ask for this for a number of reasons. You might worry about how the other person might react to the request. That they’ll feel judged. Or even that it’s somehow too personal of a thing to ask, despite the fact that you’re considering getting as close as humanly possible to them.
Or you make it mean certain things about you. That you’re being overly cautious. That you really know how to kill the mood.
In fact, when you go in knowing that you’re having safe sex, you can relax more physically and feel more secure psychologically and emotionally as well. The more you are able to relax in sex, the more pleasure you’ll experience.
Remember, this is about you and your body. It’s your responsibility to take good care of your health.
And if the other person has a similar sense of self-responsibility, self-care and self-love, they’ll appreciate the request.
Contraception options
Contraception is a non-negotiable when it comes to safer sex. The decision to make is not if, but which.
First ask yourself what options do you feel most comfortable with?
What do you prefer to stay away from?
Then speak with your partner. Hear them out, align on an option and on you go.
Pleasure, desires and expectations
Be playful and curious as you open up about what you’d like to experience in lovemaking.
Start light. And steer clear of judging yourself or your partner about what you’d like to experience or experiment with.
This makes it feel safe for you both to open up.
Remember, even if you voice a desire or hear one from your parnter that doesn’t mean that you’ve actually got to play it out.
For anything involving fantasies, fetishes or kinks (basically anything beyond simple ‘vanilla sex’), you’ll want to negotiate boundaries and limits.
You can ask:
I want to have a great experience together, so I’d love to learn a bit about what you like. Would you be open to sharing?
Share as much as feels good. If there’s anything that you don’t want to speak about right now, that’s ok.
What do you tend to like during sex?
Do you prefer softness and a light touch? Or something more physical and wild?
Is there anything that you definitely don’t like?
How often do you like to have sex?
You can download a "Yes, No, Maybe" sexual boundary list that you and your partner can discuss. I like this one but you can google for others.
Is there anything that I should not bring up?
No. If you have concerns or questions that you want answers for in order to feel safe and ready for sex, then bring it up.
At the same time, respect the other person’s capacity to have the conversation. Go slowly and take your time. Don’t force responses.
In the end, it’s up to both of you to decide if you want to have sex with one another, and when.
If you feel that they are withholding information that threatens your health or safety, whether that be emotional, psychological or physical, then it’s a ‘no’ until you are truly ready.
And if you don’t feel safe in sharing what’s alive for you, then that is a sign that perhaps it is not the right time or right person.
Coaching can give you great support in working through your own blockers to having difficult conversations and building a healthy relationship with your own sexuality so that you feel confident in sharing words – and a bed – with another.
Can we just do this over text?
Yes! If this is going to help you have the conversation at all, then hell yes.
However, eventually you’ll likely want to have these conversations face-to-face. They build intimacy and closeness, trust and connection.
Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of good, open, honest communication, trust and safety.
As is phenomenal sex.
If you want to have the best sex ever, it’s best you get chatting.