‘There’s something that I want to talk to you about,’ Naz says to me via WhatsApp one evening.
‘It feels like we’re not as connected. I feel the distance. There’s lots changing and we’ve not spoken about it,’ he continues.
Naz is right. And in that moment, my hero. I’d felt the distance too, but instead of acknowledging it, I could feel myself retreat deeper and deeper into me. My own adaptation to intensity when things shake and tremble in intimate relationships.
“‘What matters is not that we have ruptures [ in relationships ], but how we repair them.’”
Relationships are not static. They undergo cycles of harmony - disharmony - and repair. And whilst I knew this to be normal, I’m human too. And am so not perfect (despite my efforts) at doing this relationship thing.
What truly matters in determining the happiness and resilience of a relationship is not that we never disagree, or mess up in ways that cause us to lose connection
But how quickly and skilfully we can find our way back to one another.
It’s this ability to ‘repair’ builds confidence, trust, safety, security – and satisfaction in relationships.
And Naz knows that even if the conversation will be difficult for us, that it’s going to be a safe to have.
And ultimately will bring us closer together.
He knows this because we’ve learned how to be vulnerable with one another, to communicate openly and honestly, to respect and honour each other’s truths.
Those couples who are better and faster at repair work makes the for happiest couples. And being ‘better’ means regularly ‘filling your emotional bank account’ by cherishing your partner and being kind to them according to the Gottman Institute Research
We’re both willing to admit responsibility, learn from what went wrong and approach each other with humility and openness.
We value repair more than being right or proving the other wrong.
We value connection more than the problem itself.
Our repairs aren’t perfect. There’re messy and sloppy and tear-filled.
But they don’t have to be perfect.
They just have to be genuine.
And our attitude towards one another, and intention when we come together to work it through is full of presence and consideration and love.
Even if what we hear may hurt.
If you’re interested in learning more about how you learned to love, then I recommend the following sources :
An online resource with a few workbooks to get you moving forward
Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy
My current favourite book on attachment (it is excellent for monogamous people and also includes great guidance for polyamourous folks)
And whilst information is great, active practice through coaching support is incredibly powerful (if I do say so myself). If you’d like my insights, time and focus on you and your unique experiences of love, then write to me here and I’ll share with you how we can work together through one-to-one coaching.