Sacred sex means different things to different people. In this conversation with Sacred Sex Coach Lyvia Cairo, Lyvia shares what sacred sex means to her, how she first came to practice it, and the joy, peace and freedom it brought to her once she moved through the trauma that was holding her back.
Lyvia Cairo is a Sex Coach who helps women feel better in their body, pleasure and desires. She specializes in sacred sexuality coupled with trauma healing.
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Listen in as we discuss:
Sacred sex, what it is, why you’ll care and how to practice it.
How to have the sex life that you want, even if it feels impossible.
The link between sexuality and spirituality.
How childhood trauma (even if it’s not sexual) affects your experience of sex now.
Three main things that make sex sacred.
Self-love is honoring what you need, saying yes to it.
And saying ‘no’ to what you don’t and letting it go.
What happens to body image when you’re fully in your body and experience orgasmic pleasure through it.
Presence is powerful and can shift how we experience our sexuality and pleasure.
How to take your first steps towards sacred sex and trauma healing.
Book mentioned: Love, Sex and Awakening by Margot Anand
To continue the conversation on social media, join us on Instagram at @andreabalboni_lush
Book in a 30 minute consultation call with Andrea
For more wisdom, insight, tools and practices on pleasure and sexual satisfaction come visit us at lushcoaching.com
And if you love the show, please leave us a rating and review on iTunes/Apple Podcasts. Thank you!
Episode 3 with Sacred Sex and Healing Trauma with Lyvia Cairo
[00:00:00] Andrea: Welcome to Lush love the podcast. I'm your host, Andrea Balboni. And as a sex love and relationships, coach, it is my mission to help you experience modern day love. That feels lush in all way. And I am here today with Lyvia Cairo. She's a fellow sex coach specialist specializing in sacred sexuality, coupled with trauma healing.
She helps women to feel better in their bodies, their pleasure and their desire. So welcome Lyvia. It's great to have you here. I am super curious about what sacred sexuality is for you or what the sacred has to do with sexuality, how it's, how you came to do this work of the sacred and sacred sex, and also combined with trauma. How those different spreads all connect, what it means for you and then the work you do and yeah. Would love to hear more.
[00:00:55] Lyvia: Yeah, sure. I thank you so much. And we're very happy for being here. So actually like to start with how I came about to do this, because I started with sacred sexuality basically. So I was in a long-term relationship with, and after our breakup, I realized that sexuality was a big anxiety point for me. It was not simple, easy. And in that past relationship, It was hard. I had no desire. I felt ashamed. I felt gas lit. It was, it was heavy. So when I left the relationship, I was like, I never wanna I never want my sexuality to be the same.
I really want something different. And there was a first time, or was it like, okay. I never really paid so much attention to it before, like as a topic of self development, I guess, but I was like, I really don't want this to be the same. So I started I guess, Googling, searching. And at the same time, I was really awakening to my own spirituality. And I started to discover that there was a connect between both, but it wasn't really, really clear. And then I don't know what happened first, but one day I saw a book by Margot Anand who is an amazing tantrika and it was about, it was like love, sex and awakening, I think. And she was sending about how she explored sexuality in a conscious way and so much pleasure in orgasm. And I was reading that I was reading and I was like, I want this. I had no idea how she did it because the book is not really practical. It's more like her experiences. I don't know how she does it.
I don't know. I don't know what's up, but I want this. And then at the same time, I think I found online video for a yoni massage. And I had a lot of shame around masturbation. Like I was feeling, it was always like, it felt dirty. It felt like no man loves you, so you have to masturbate. So I decided to try for a while. Like every week I would do give myself a yoni massage. And I first, it was .Very challenging. It was really hard. I felt so bad in my body, but then I felt joyful and pleasure and it was like, okay, that's something about this. And so those two things were my entry points. And then I became fascinated with sacred sexuality because for me, it's like, It was a way to see sexuality that wasn't only for a quick pleasure to pleasure my partner.
It was so much more than just genitals together. You know, there's the consciousness around the spirituality, the energy, the love as well, you know, self-love, it felt so beautiful. So after that, I just got super curious. I did some research. I did a retreat in Costa Rica that was mixing sexuality and spirituality. That was really. Interesting and intense. And after that, that is, you know, kept going and learning. And then I decided to get massive, massive certification. We did the same one and that's how it went. And in the certification, at some point it asks you to choose a niche. And for me, it was very obvious that I really love working with energy sexual energy, have it move through your body.
You know, so I was really into that. And what happened as well. Was that in my first month of this course or certification, I realized I had the trauma from childhood. It wasn't a sexual trauma. It was like, More like an abandonment type of trauma. And I knew now I had no idea then. And I was like, what the fuck is this? So I was like, what's happening? And it was like week three of the course. And I had flashes and I felt something coming up and I remembered a story from when I was eight. It was really, really intense. And I was like, what is happening? I have no idea about trauma. So then during the course, I get support around this and I realized that it was linked into some issues from childhood. I'm not feeling safe enough, not feeling that my needs were met and et cetera. So then I was like, that's fascinating.
So the whole time I kept working on that trauma. And then after we finished, I decided to do another certification on trauma healing because I felt. So it was so clear to me that it's almost, so maybe that's a bold statement, but it's almost like you couldn't access the degree of sexual freedom without healing, your trauma, that you would always get held back and hitting made sure my as affected all my life, like my sexuality, my relationships partnership, business money, creativity. And so that's why now I really work with the two, so secret sexuality. So that sexuality becomes something that's very personal to you for your own wellbeing, your own pleasure, your own energy and from a healing so that anything that can. You know, prevent you from fully experiencing can be released.
[00:06:49] Andrea: Thank you for sharing it all. It's beautiful. What I wanted to first kind of feel into was when you first read about the experiences Margo Anand. When you first read that what exactly about what she was describing called to you.
[00:07:02] Lyvia: I would say the joy in what she was sharing. Because some of it was good and some of it was less good in what she was. She, wasn't not, not always all of it. Wasn't like sparkly, but she shares for example, a first experience with first lover. And it's so beautiful. It's the first experience of sacred sexuality. And then after that she explores with other partners and there was so much peace and joy and pleasure in what she was sharing. And it was such a contrast with my experience. It was such it was so peaceful and it was such a joy and such a contrast with how I felt sexuality because there was anxiety. Like I didn't have a lot of desire. It took me a long time to orgasm. And also I had shame because I had many partners before and, you know, there was a bit of a depression.
I had probably something to prove there was so much shadow in my sexuality and in what she was sharing, it was just, I mean, coming from a place that is so clear and anchored in the fact that sexuality is beauty. You know, of course after years and years doing this work it transpires, but I could sense that. It was not the same as my experience. So that's why I was attracted, but I had no idea how she did it. I was like, I don't know what I get, what she's talking about. I don't know how you do that.
[00:08:38] Andrea: So how do you, how do you do it? How do you guide women? How do you do it yourself? How do you access that?
[00:08:45] Lyvia: So I had to create my own kind of way. Because there are many different ways. So my, I have a course called in French it's le huit porte, the 8 doors. It's kind of poetic, fairly mysterious. I wanted to turn it that name many times, but my clients like it. So I keep it basically as I was telling, so I had to finish studying my certification. I was doing trauma and I was wondering what was the best angle to teach people secret sexuality, because it's so vast. It's, it's so big and you could just be like, Okay, this is a ritual. This is a practice. This is, you know, it could be like in a very linear way, but I saw it more as an exploration. So my eight doors are basically, each door is about of the female anatomy. First door is your vulva, for example, and for each door, I explain the anatomy .
The history, like for example, how in our society, it is seen when you have a vulva that is drawn, whatever. So I have I go in the history society here. I talk a lot about patriarchy and systems of oppression and the energy of it, because each part has a different energy. And so from there, they have explanations, they have practices, they have meditations, and it's a way to explore the body.
That is a bit more organic. So that's how I do it. And I had the layer of trauma healing as well. So we would have. One would be like loads of practice. And then maybe there's a trauma archetype that we explore. And on top of that, I have coaching. So that's the way I do it, because I felt like it's, it's sort of vast, you know, you couldn't, for example, I, when I did my first retreat, it was like a series of themes and a series of exercises.
It's like, you have to create a path because. Very complex. So, yeah, so that's the way I do it. And most of my clients come to me because either, either they're unsatisfied, like their sex life is not as it desire or they don't have any desire or they feel that if the next path in their spiritual development and they really don't know where to start. But it's a place where you can be very creative, I guess, because there is no one way to teach sacred sexuality.
[00:11:32] Andrea: And so what makes it see what makes it feel sacred to you? This journey?
[00:11:38] Lyvia: So that's a very good question. I'm glad you were asking it because I don't know if I've ever answered it before. The sacred for me is linked to the idea that it's okay. Let me think on it. I would say the first thing is that it's protected because of. The reason why I'm so interested in sexuality as well is that there is so much unsafety and violence. And unfortunately, many of my clients have suffered that.
So there is like secret means protected means that is yeah. You protected in the sense that there's no harm done here. So it's not. Just for the pleasure of someone else or just for performance or just because the society tells you that you have to, it is because you want to and your body is your temple.
It's yours, yours to keep yours to share. And that's sacrd to me. So that's the first, I would say definition of it. The other thing is energy. You know, because we work so much with energy, there is a connection to spirit. There is connection with, you know, it could be natural energy. God, if you believe in God, it could be the earth, water, whatever.
We, we work so much with energy. So there is something sacred in it. And there is the fact that. It's less about the techniques and the practices and more about intention, how you go about it your breath, your, you know, your spirit, rather than you're going to do this position and this position and do this and do that.
Way of being about it, I would say. So I would say that's the three things that make it sacred so like connected to spirit and connected to your being
[00:13:32] Andrea: it's beautiful. I feel, it feels just as you're speaking, it feels that that is. That is what it is. And for everyone it will be, it will be a bit different.
And as you say, it's, it's complex and varied and it can mean different things to different people. However, I love your three, your three qualities. I feel like those really do make anything sacred when we have that, that safety protection.
[00:13:59] Lyvia: And I would say that it's also very conscious. I would add that to the. Being part that it's not from automatism or autopilot is really from consciousness and you being in your body and feeling what you're feeling,
[00:14:16] Andrea: presence,
[00:14:17] Lyvia: Yeah, presence
[00:14:22] Andrea: My next question would be true. Self love and self care you've mentioned it before we connected. I was wondering what that looked like for you,
[00:14:31] Lyvia: So in my work that looks like honoring your needs and your yes. And your no. Most of the times, like self-love is often being able to say this is what I need and I'm going to do what it takes to get it, or I'm going to ask for it. And my needs are important. My needs are, yeah, come, come first because so much, like, so often we forget our needs to meet the needs of others. So there is the. My opinions are important. My desires are important. I am important.
So that's the first part. And the second part is being able to let in what is good and let go of. What's not good and it's not always easy in sexuality. And even in relationships, like we tend to tolerate a lot. And for me, the more you love yourself, you tolerate basically. Yeah.
There's so much depth to that.
[00:15:41] Andrea: And kind of like a real homecoming, it feels like a real homecoming to you, to yourself, to your inherent sense of worth as well. True. And what about body image?
[00:15:55] Lyvia: Yeah, cause may I have my clients come with that issue or question that it's hard for them to get into their sexuality whether its by themselves though, with a partner because they don't love their body. And it's not always, it's not, as people think it's not like, oh, I don't love my body because it's not pretty, it's more like heavy in their body.
They would feel threatened in them, but in their body they felt like they would take too much space or they shouldn't take too much space. It's more like, it's a very internal, almost thing. It's not really. It's less of the image than the sensation, you know, in the body. So we work a lot with that because sometimes it comes from so early and so young and for many of my clients, they have.
You know what a part of their path is to learn, to take space in their body and to be happy with the body that is here and sexually, it helps with that because with sexuality you learn to. feel into what your body does, what it gives you better than what it looks like. So that's very interesting. And the more you get pleasure in your body, the less you care about it simply because you're like, well, I don't care how you look you really feel good, yeah, that's a part of the work as well, but I've noticed that
[00:17:27] Andrea: So it's kind of almost like the presence that. Had described, really being present there with, with yourself in a way that's from the inside out again is, has this, this effect on how we are with our bodies and how we see them even because we almost forget
[00:17:49] Lyvia: Yeah, exactly. I think it's like better than looking at your body from outside. You just being in it from the inside. And that makes the whole difference. Cause you. You're just here. You're not out there. Yeah.
[00:18:06] Andrea: And it makes for a much more embodied well-grounded kind of real experience. Then look, we think about what we see. Yeah. We experience this more pure. It's a more direct experience of us.
[00:18:21] Lyvia: Yes. Like you, you could see the world in a different kind of way. From that place of feeling good in your body, your, you know, at least filling out your body, bringing you pleasure or peace or whatever emotion from that place.
It's there is something that is easier in terms of how you navigate. I don't know if that makes sense. From that place, you can interact with others in a more peaceful manner.
[00:18:59] Andrea: And so that calm and peace that you feel within this is where you respond from or how you connect with others. You come from that place of calm and peace and it makes for an easy, easier connection.
[00:19:10] Lyvia: If someone wanted to take the first steps towards sacred sex or, and, or healing trauma, I would say there is so much, but the first step. It depends what the desire is, but if the desire is like connection to your sexuality or your body, I would say either to look at your body from head to toe every day naked, if you can, and just look at.
And learn it and connect with it, be with it. Or you can look at your vulva and like take a pocket mirror, just look at it as well and see what comes up in terms of emotions, sensations feelings. You know, it's not about like having a certain reaction, but not like noticing what's happening in the body when you look at her.
And, and that would be a good start. Yeah, to just look at yourself, seeing yourself in terms of trauma. I would say that a good place to start is to notice when you're triggered. Like, cause it's not, it's sometimes a much deeper work, but not when you're triggered and see what your body needs in that moment.
So because sometimes we can kind of. Speak to ourselves and we're like, no, that's okay, whatever. But if something happens in your relationship, your sexuality, whatever, and if you feel a certain way, you feel triggered or you feel a certain emotion, like ask yourself, what do I need in this moment? What does my body need to do?
Because maybe your body need needs to flee. Maybe you need to express yourself. Maybe you need to curl up in a ball. Like what does my body need? Because every time you. complete the cycle. There's something that heals inside of you as well. So I would say, yeah, listening to your body and I cooperating with it would be a first good step.
[00:21:18] Andrea: There anything else that you would love to share with anyone listening?
[00:21:21] Lyvia: What I want to share is that there is no. You know what, however you feel in your sexuality relationships. Even if there thing that are difficult right now, there is a way to feel better. It's not, you know, it's not a done deal. It's not who you are. It's not your personality. It's not your identity. It's not set in stone.
You can change. And I wish someone had told me that because before I was like, I am like, And that's it. You know how people like to label yourself like, oh, you don't like sex or, oh, you bet on it or whatever. And actually there is a way to heal. There is a way to find pleasure. There's a way to find desire and to find your center, to find who you truly are in all of this.
And yeah, there is a way, and you will find that. And if you speak French, I'm here. If you're not I'm here too, but most of my clients are French.
[00:22:23] Andrea: Oh, wonderful. How can people connect with you then?
[00:22:26] Lyvia: I am on Instagram, that's the best way. And you can read my posts and you can translate them. And I have a blog as well. It's lyviacairo.com so, and I have tons of articles.
So that's, that's good ways. And you can also chat with me in the DMs. You know, if you have any questions you can come and talk, of course.
[00:22:48] Andrea: Perfect. And everything will be in the show notes, follow ways to connect, so can easily find you.
And yeah, thank you. I would definitely highly recommend having a chat with Lyvia and checking out her stuff, because you're, you do publish loads and it's so rich, just like this conversation.
So so yeah, absolutely. Have a follow on Insta and then just absorb. So good.
Thank you so much Andrea