‘It is through rituals that the mind becomes clear, the heart opens, the senses become sharp, and the body tingles with aliveness and expectation.’
Margot Anand, The Art of Sexual Magic
Scheduling in sex (with your partner or yourself) makes it a ritual. And rituals are powerful.
Rituals bring meaning to the ordinary. As opposed to ‘habits’ which are done mindlessly.
Anyone who has had ‘habitual sex’ understands how boring – how mindless – it can be.
Habitual sex feels like a chore. We dread it. And feel guilty about not wanting it.
Scheduled sex, sex that is ritual, is sex infused with deep meaning. And it feels like magic.
Here’s how to have deep connected sex regularly – on schedule – as a ritual.
Schedule sex in
Intentionally set aside time each week for sex.
Create a shared calendar. And get it in there. Text reminders to each other and have fun with it (aka foreplay).
Try not to cancel or reschedule. But if life happens, give yourself a break.
Heat it up: theme your sex dates as you put them in the calendar. Take turns preparing for it by ‘setting the scene’. Think of engaging all 5 senses. And talk about the sex you have after each date – learn what your partner liked and wants more of. Try this next time.
Take the pressure off: take the goal away. Commit to exploring your pleasure without the focus of orgasm. Discover new states of ecstasy beyond the O. Pleasure is vast.
Infuse meaning
In rituals, the most ordinary of actions and gestures become transformed into symbolic expressions, their meaning reinforced each time they are performed.
-Van Gennep, 1909
Meaning is what imbues the sex you have with a unique quality. As you schedule sex in consciously consider the deeper meaning this has for you:
That you care enough about yourself and each other to dedicate time and space for deep connection
That intimacy –physical, emotional, mental–is valued and valuable to you
That togetherness and unity is important and desired
That you can trust yourself and one another to show up consistently
That exploring pleasure together and luxuriating in that journey is a shared desire
Relax in and enjoy the ride
When you know sex is going to happen, it takes away the anxiety of wondering if and when. It buffers us against negative uncertainty.
As a result, you feel more in control. This creates a sense of personal order. And in this the space to drop more fully into pleasure when it comes.
Scheduled sex allows us to open up and access to deeper dimensions of ourselves
By setting the space in your material world, your internal world re-organises itself in the expectation of experiencing things differently.
Scheduled sex hones our attention, leading to heightened involvement and immersion in lovemaking when we come to it.
In conclusion:
Scheduled sex is ritualistic in nature. It’s imbued with meaning and ironically, it brings us beyond the mundane.
It draws us closer to ourselves and to our partner and as we intentionally connect with our pleasure and with each other.
And remember – you can always have more. Just because you schedule sex in, doesn’t mean you can’t have the sex in the elevator or in the kitchen now and again.