‘Shall we put a song on?’, I ask her through the ether.
My intern and I had been heads down focused and working for a few hours, each of us separately together via Zoom as one does.
The air was dense with concentration and focus and was beginning to feel a bit too heavy. I was dragging.
‘Unless you don’t want me to,’ I added when she didn’t reply straight away.
I was afraid that the 2 minute dance breaks between our longer work segments might make her uncomfortable.
We’d just begun working together a few short weeks ago, after all and it must feel quite unusual for your boss to suggest you dance – at work in the middle of the day – when there was so much to do.
‘No no, it’s good!’ She replied, prying her gaze from the computer screen.
And so I chose a throwback from my Spotify list. And off we were, out of our chairs and groovin’ to the beat.
Those two minutes of moving our bodies, reconnecting with our physical selves and getting out of our heads for just a few moments throughout the day are simply golden.
It feels luscious and delicious to reconnect to the simple pleasure of being here and now, alive in the world.
When we both sat back down again to dive deep into our next work segment, we felt not only refreshed and revived
But there was space created for inspiration and joy to come back again into the work we were doing. We would continue to do our best work with greater focus.
So why is it so difficult for us to allowing pleasure into our lives when we THRIVE as a result.
We keep ourselves from feeling full pleasure not just in our work lives, but unbelievably also in dating, love and relationships – the place where we hope to…expect to experience it most.
Resisting pleasure in sex, love and relationships shows up as:
The incredible guy I coached this week who holds back from initiating lovemaking in bed with his gorgeous wife...and she wonders if they should stay together
The woman I spoke to who never revealed to her best male friend how much he means to her…and then feels her heart break when he tells her that he’s begun a relationship with someone else
And me, well…I find myself holding back from pleasure too. Most recently in worrying that I might be asking for too much in my relationship and push my partner away by doing so.
When I recently shifted this dynamic with my partner with the support of an incredible couples coach, I realised that I had been inadvertently denying my partner pleasure too – the pleasure of stepping up to the meet me where I deeply desired to be met. (Yes, the best coaches out there get coached too.)
I am now continually surprised and delighted by the joy with which my partner has shown greater affection and love for me now that we’ve stepped into a higher level of commitment together.
The guy I coached has discovered the deeper underlying fears that keep him from stepping fully into pleasure and connecting intimately with the person that he loves the most. And is moving beyond them, knowing that there’s immense potential for pleasure with life lived at 100%.
And whilst it is yet to be determined whether platonic love will be realised with this particular fellow, the woman that I spoke to has shifted her focus to her own pleasure, what she needs most and is now navigating her next right move from this place of centred grounded presence.
And so I have learned that pleasure is not only conducive to creativity and joy of being, it is also an excellent indicator of what possibilities and love and intimacy might open up when we turn towards it.
Will you?
If the answer I hear from you is a hesitant, yes but…it’s understandable.
What makes it so difficult to open up to pleasure?
Here are 3 common reasons why we hold ourselves back from pleasure:
We’ll lose control if we let go and experience pleasure…and that’s definitely dangerous
Opening up to pleasure requires just that, opening up. And opening ourselves to another can feel incredibly vulnerable when we’re not quite sure of what the outcome may be. Better to stay clamped down (at least by 40% like the guy I’ve written about above) so as not to wander too deep into the waters of the unknown and risk the overwhelm of not knowing what to do should things not go well.
It can feel literally life-threatening.
If we learned very early on in life that the unknown or unpredictable is best dealt with by shutting ourselves off from it all at least in part, then that coping mechanism in dealing with the unknown can also show up in bed however many decades later.
Only with a very solid sense that no matter what happens when we reveal our heart’s desire, it will all be ok can we take a risk and follow our desire. This solid sense (some call it a sense of safety, some security, some sureness), often must be experienced on a bodily level as much as a mental and emotional one.
And so working with your body and your mind to let your whole self know that it’s safe to open up, is the core skill that wants honing.
We might get hurt or rejected if we go for the pleasure we want, it’s better to stay safe
It’s risky to reveal what you want. You might fear that it could tip the balance in an existing relationship, a balance that’s been built up over years. And cause a rupture that may not be able to be repaired. After all, once a truth is spoken it can not be taken back. And what if that truth is not accepted? Or that we are judged in our wanting? What then? The entire nature of our relationship may change leaving us…perhaps alone.
Or it could leave you feeling ashamed or embarrassed and rejected if your sentiments aren’t returned. You might lose a friend you harbor deeper feelings for, like the woman I wrote about above. Or be left wondering if you’ll ever find someone who wants the same things as you do.
And yet it’s by embracing and sharing our deepest truths that allows others to see and experience us for who we truly are. And fall in love with the ‘real’ us. Over and over again.
Fully accepting ourselves for who we are and what we desire is a way of moving closer the pleasure of our fullest expression in our relationship. It enables us to feel a sense of true freedom even as we’re together with another in a committed relationship.
We might get lost in bliss – or it’s opposite, misery – never to return again!
What if we truly did live life in the fulness of pleasure. What hidden desires might we discover that we’ve been repressing or pushing down all of this time? How might it change how we date, or experience relationships?
Will we still fit into the social circles that we belong to? Will we be accepted and loved for who we are and how we are?
Would we ever get anything done at work?
And then, if we open ourselves up to feeling things fully, we will inevitably also feel more difficult emotions as well.
Feeling is feeling.
And allowing yourself the space to experience a more full range of emotions can take some practice. Especially if you’re not used to it.
Know that there are ways to begin feeling again that happen slowly and in right time so that you don’t shift into overwhelm and close down even further.
Emotional resilience, some call it. And in my experience it’s a body, heart and mind practice. All of us feels. All parts of us. And so we want to learn how to work with all parts of us to open to feeling, and pleasure in healthy ways.
It is possible to feel pleasure fully and survive it!
I’d be thrilled to show you the way.
If you feel called to a life and love more full of pleasure, I’d be delighted to support you to experience it more fully – in sex, love, relationships or in life (including work life).
Write me and let’s begin a conversation about how I can help you get there.