When dating feels impossible or your long-term relationship is on the brink, the why and how of hanging in there when you just wanna quit
Hope depends not upon the outcome of circumstances, but the goodness of the cause, despite the consequences. -Vaslav Havel
I remember the deep doom and gloom and utter despair that would overcome me when year after year, date after date, swipe after swipe I was left feeling disappointed in the search for love and meaningful partnership.
I would wonder to myself, was it all really worth it?
I now work with single people and also with couples who ask themselves the same thing - is it really worth it for me to stay in this relationship or continue to date when year after year, month after month, day after day, I have to put up with the same thing?
How can we remain optimistic when we’re disappointed time and again by love?
And how can we actually harbour hope that things will be different when we feel stuck in the same patterns?
I love Vaslav Havel’s definition of hope – it’s not the confidence and conviction that something will turn out well (that’s optimism), but the certainty that something is worth doing no matter how it turns out. This is hope.
In dating and relationships, that ‘doing’ is becoming aware of what is holding you back from finding love or having the relationship that you want. And then developing the tools and skills needed to move you forward.
This process of healing, growth and empowerment is worth doing. Regardless of the outcome that we desire or expect.
In truth, we need both optimism and hope to stay steady with ‘the work’ of finding and keeping love.
Here’s what that looks like.
Optimism vs Hope in love and relationships
Optimism helps you to maintain a positive attitude and keep you open to opportunities to meet someone new or to be with the person you’re with in whole new ways.
Hope can coexist with uncertainty and the fear and anxiety this can bring about the future – you don’t have be in a 100% feel-good mood to hold hope.
Optimism can sometimes lead to bypassing or overlooking potential obstacles which may need to be addressed in order for healing and growth to happen.
Hope acknowledges challenges but maintains a belief in the possibility of overcoming them.
An optimistic dater might think, "Dating is fun and I'll find someone great" without any specific reasons why this might be true.
A hopeful dater might think, "This person seems compatible with me based on our shared interests" or "Our last date went well, so I hope the next one will be even better."
Optimism in a relationship might create a positive vibe but may not always lead to proactive relationship repair and maintenance.
Hope in a relationship would motivate partners to work on specific issues, plan for the future, or make changes to improve the relationship.
An optimistic dater might be present on dating apps or social scenes without actually taking the action necessary to bring anything to fruition.
A hopeful dater plans thoughtful dates, follows up after them, or works on self-improvement to increase their chances with a particular person.
Excessive optimism in a relationship might lead to complacency or ignoring serious issues.
Grounded hope in a relationship acknowledges challenges but maintains belief in the possibility of positive change, potentially leading to more active problem-solving.
Optimism in dating and relationships stems from overall trust in romantic partnership.
Hope in dating and relationships believes in the possibility for change based on specific efforts, like seeing an improvement in communication and connection after couples coaching.
In committed relationships and in dating, both optimism and hope play important roles.
Ask yourself
Do you harbor more hope or more optimism in dating or in your relationship?
Which do you feel that you could use a bit more of?
What changes might that bring? How might it support you in finding, keeping and cultivating love?
If you’re struggling to feel optimistic, hopeful, or both know that coaching with me can help you. Contact me and let’s talk about what it’s like to feel hopeful again.