There’s nothing worse than sending out message after message to women online – some who actually look great – only to get back…well, next to nothing.
You try various approaches from messages straight from the heart, to a copy and paste-er you found somewhere online that worked well for sooooo many guys out there – just not you.
You go and tell yourself all women on dating apps suck.
Or worse yet, that it must be you.
Well, neither of those stories is actually true.
The fact of the matter is that messaging via online apps is something of an art form.
One that can be learned and leveraged to get you
More responses
Faster
For fun dates with quality women that you’ve actually got a connection with
Here’s how.
In any good, healthy conversation there is balance.
The quality of the exchange is based on each person’s ability to both
share authentically and meaningfully
and feel seen and heard
It’s a 50/50 balance that’s established from the first few messages with someone.
Here’s how to establish and maintain this balance
So that you can go from right swipe to first and then second date more quickly and easily than before.
And actually enjoy the flow.
Messaging stage 1 : Quality connection > Build rapport
Authenticity is key right from the start.
In order for you to ‘share authentically and meaningfully’, you’ve got to genuinely be interested in the person.
Women I speak with constantly complain that the first message…and 2nd…and 3rd..that they get from guys they definitely DO NOT respond to online are ones that go like this:
Hey, how are you? Looks like you’re into some cool stuff.
It feels copy / paste, totally generic, and meaningless. She feels like just another number.And your message gets ignored.
You want to bring value to the conversation in the very first message so she feels seen and heard by you.
SO
You want to read her profile, even if it’s brief.
Why?
Because if you just flash through her photos, you risk making snap judgements about what you see and end up writing a boring, bland message like the ones above.
You don’t have to overanalyse what you find.
After all, you’ve only just come across this woman and we’re not there yet for that level of investment from you.
What you’re looking for is:
Something she’s included that you’re genuinely curious about
A common passion or subject area of interest
A quality of hers that you appreciate and can call out
Notice that in all three cases, something about her has truly caught your eye. You really do want to know more.
Now you are you are perfectly placed to send the first message.
Sample message:
I see you’ve been to Mexico. Amazing. I’ve always wanted to go there.
What did you love about it?
Pro tip:
Ending messages with questions prompts a response from the other person and makes it easier for them to think of a reply.
Average number of messages exchanged in this phase:
3-4
Messaging stage 2 : Stay light + laser focused on the outcome > Ask her out
Intentional messaging is sending light, conversational messages that are focused on an outcome –asking her out on a date that’s fun for the both of you.
In the next few messaging exchanges, keep a gentle focus on an actual date so that the chances of you actually meeting up are greater.
Suggest activities or places you could meet that are in sync with her interests.
In the post-Covid era we find ourselves in, it is not uncommon to ask a woman onto a video chat prior to meeting her in the ‘real world’.
This helps to avoid the endless back and forth that used to happen in the online dating world. Hurrah Covid! We’ll take the small wins.
If you decide to take this route, have in mind ideas for a few dates that speak to her interests – and yours.
In this day and age, even modern women like men to take the lead.
This is not a hard and fast rule – there are plenty of women who will ask you out.
But by inviting her out after a few message exchanges to places that you know she’d love you show her:
your level of interest
your fun and creative side
your confidence and willingness to follow words with action
So when it feels right, go for it.
Sample message:
‘Hey, are you free next week to meet up? I saw that the Mexican place down the road just opened up again. Based on what you told me about the great food you had in Mexico, I think you’d enjoy it. Would you like that?’
Pro Tip:
Don’t wait too long to ask her out. Take the risk if you like her. Breadcrumbing is a real thing, and women will become wary of you if you hesitate because you feel shy or your confidence drops.
Take a deep breath (or 10!!), relax into your body, and tap ‘send’.
Pro Tip:
If you hop on a video chat and are not interested in taking it further, thank her for her time and gracefully end the connection.
Sample share:
‘It’s been great connecting with you, however I don’t feel there’s enough of a connection from my side to take it further.’
Average number of messages exchanged in this phase:
3-4
And that leads me to the final stage…
Messaging stage 3 : Invest further + stay genuine > Ask her out again
At this point if you’ve been on a date or a video chat, you may have gotten her phone number.
If not and you’d like to continue seeing her, go ahead and ask her for it.
If you enjoyed the first date and would like a second, don’t hesitate to let her know.
The length of time in-between a first and second date varies considerably from person to person and there are no hard or fast rules.
What you do want is to maintain the connection you’ve created. Video chats and messaging in between dates supports this. However nothing can replace that in-person connection.
So when it feels good to you, ask her out again.
Pro Tip:
If you’re not sure how much you like her yet, it’s absolutely ok to take your time in getting to know her. If she asks, be sincere and genuine about what you are experiencing. Stay in your truth. It’s the foundation of all relationships. So if you want to give this one a chance, stay in radical honesty and share what you are feeling.
The quality of the responses you get from a woman will help you determine her level of interest. When you use the formula above, you create meaningful connection with another. And gauging her response will tell you whether it’s worth your time and effort to take it further.
Remember, conversations, even simple sincere early-dating ones, are a 2 way street – ‘It takes to to tango’ as they say.
Continue honing your messaging skills to set the stage for meaningful connection [ Stage 1 ], stay gently focused on the outcome (a date) [ Stage 2 ] and maintain authentic communication [ Stage 3 ] and you are well one your way to online dating success.