Get off the dating rollercoaster and set yourself on cruise control

We’re deep into winter now. ❄ And deep into dating season. 

And if you are deep into the dating season you are probably feeling the ups and downs of good dates, bad dates .. no dates.. and everything in between. 🎢

It all feels wobbly and uncertain, like the ground moving under your feet. 

And you start to doubt yourself – whether you’ll ever find anyone, whether you can face another disappointment, whether it’s maybe your wardrobe or the way you wear your hair…💇‍♀

You just want dating to feel easy. Dare you hope for fun? And that one of these times it actually turns into something that feels a bit more real. And good. And right. 

And just for you.

So I’m going to ask that you get off that roller coaster for good.

Come back around again...back to YOURSELF. 

Yep, that person in there that maybe you’ve lost touch with as you try to schedule a million dates – hey it’s a numbers game, right? ➕➖➗

The sparkly version of you that’s dulled herself down because she’s not sure that being herself is really getting her anywhere. 

And who has told herself that she doesn’t care that much anymore anyway so that the pain of another bad date isn’t quite so acute. 

I’m asking you to come back around to yourself again because it’s essential. To dating. And in life. 

It’s how you set yourself on cruise control so that you are steady and calm no matter what happens on a date (or when you’re on a dating hiatus). 

On cruise control, dating becomes a no-brainer.  

Because YOU are the steadiness. YOU are the deep peace and calm. 😌

So no matter what happens, you are good. And you’ve learned. 

And when you are connected to all parts of yourself deeply, you are truly free. Free to flirt, to have fun, to show the sparkles...and that’s what draws in love.  

The love that you are. AND the sexiness. AND the sensuality. 

In this video I talk about 4 ways to get back to yourself and off the roller coaster:

1. How + why to stay in your body when you are on a date

2. Avoid mirroring the other person until all parts of you (pussy, heart, mind) are on board

3. Come back to your centre after the date

4. Know yourself intimately and love her - this is what makes you MAGNETIC

I explain each of these magic tools in detail so that you are sooooo attractive to someone that they can’t resist you.

How to get more message responses from women online

There’s nothing worse than sending out message after message to women online – some who actually look great – only to get back…well, next to nothing. 

You try various approaches from messages straight from the heart, to a copy and paste-er you found somewhere online that worked well for sooooo many guys out there – just not you. 

You go and tell yourself all women on dating apps suck. 

Or worse yet, that it must be you. 

Well, neither of those stories is actually true. 

The fact of the matter is that messaging via online apps is something of an art form. 

One that can be learned and leveraged to get you

• More responses

• Faster

• For fun dates with quality women that you’ve actually got a connection with

Here’s how. 

In any good, healthy conversation there is balance.  

The quality of the exchange is based on each person’s ability to both 

• share authentically and meaningfully

• and feel seen and heard

It’s a 50/50 balance that’s established from the first few messages with someone. 

Here’s how to establish and maintain this balance

So that you can go from right swipe to first and then second date more quickly and easily than before. 

And actually enjoy the flow. 

Messaging stage 1 : Quality connection > Build rapport

Authenticity is key right from the start. 

In order for you to ‘share authentically and meaningfully’, you’ve got to genuinely be interested in the person. 

Women I speak with constantly complain that the first message…and 2nd…and 3rd..that they get from guys they definitely DO NOT respond to online are ones that go like this: 

Hey, how are you? Looks like you’re into some cool stuff. 

It feels copy / paste, totally generic, and meaningless.  She feels like just another number.And your message gets ignored.  

You want to bring value to the conversation in the very first message so she feels seen and heard by you. 

SO 

You want to read her profile, even if it’s brief. 

Why? 

Because if you just flash through her photos, you risk making snap judgements about what you see and end up writing a boring, bland message like the ones above. 

You don’t have to overanalyse what you find. 

After all, you’ve only just come across this woman and we’re not there yet for that level of investment from you. 

What you’re looking for is: 

• Something she’s included that you’re genuinely curious about

• A common passion or subject area of interest

• A quality of hers that you appreciate and can call out 

Notice that in all three cases, something about her has truly caught your eye. You really do want to know more. 

Now you are you are perfectly placed to send the first message. 

Sample message: 

I see you’ve been to Mexico. Amazing. I’ve always wanted to go there. 

What did you love about it? 

Pro tip:

Ending messages with questions prompts a response from the other person and makes it easier for them to think of a reply.

Average number of messages exchanged in this phase: 

3-4

Messaging stage 2 : Stay light + laser focused on the outcome > Ask her out 

Intentional messaging is sending light, conversational messages that are focused on an outcome –asking her out on a date that’s fun for the both of you. 

In the next few messaging exchanges, keep a gentle focus on an actual date so that the chances of you actually meeting up are greater. 

Suggest activities or places you could meet that are in sync with her interests. 

In the post-Covid era we find ourselves in, it is not uncommon to ask a woman onto a video chat prior to meeting her in the ‘real world’. 

This helps to avoid the endless back and forth that used to happen in the online dating world. Hurrah Covid! We’ll take the small wins.  

If you decide to take this route, have in mind ideas for a few dates that speak to her interests – and yours. 

In this day and age, even modern women like men to take the lead. 

This is not a hard and fast rule – there are plenty of women who will ask you out.

But by inviting her out after a few message exchanges to places that you know she’d love you show her: 

• your level of interest

• your fun and creative side

• your confidence and willingness to follow words with action

So when it feels right, go for it. 

Sample message: 

‘Hey, are you free next week to meet up? I saw that the Mexican place down the road just opened up again. Based on what you told me about the great food you had in Mexico, I think you’d enjoy it. Would you like that?’

Pro Tip:

Don’t wait too long to ask her out. Take the risk if you like her. Breadcrumbing is a real thing, and women will become wary of you if you hesitate because you feel shy or your confidence drops.

Take a deep breath (or 10!!), relax into your body, and tap ‘send’.

Pro Tip:

If you hop on a video chat and are not interested in taking it further, thank her for her time and gracefully end the connection. 

Sample share: 

‘It’s been great connecting with you, however I don’t feel there’s enough of a connection from my side to take it further.’

Average number of messages exchanged in this phase: 

3-4

And that leads me to the final stage…

Messaging stage 3 : Invest further + stay genuine > Ask her out again

At this point if you’ve been on a date or a video chat, you may have gotten her phone number. 

If not and you’d like to continue seeing her, go ahead and ask her for it. 

If you enjoyed the first date and would like a second, don’t hesitate to let her know. 

The length of time in-between a first and second date varies considerably from person to person and there are no hard or fast rules. 

What you do want is to maintain the connection you’ve created. Video chats and messaging in between dates supports this. However nothing can replace that in-person connection. 

So when it feels good to you, ask her out again. 

Pro Tip:

If you’re not sure how much you like her yet, it’s absolutely ok to take your time in getting to know her. If she asks, be sincere and genuine about what you are experiencing. Stay in your truth. It’s the foundation of all relationships. So if you want to give this one a chance, stay in radical honesty and share what you are feeling. 

The quality of the responses you get from a woman will help you determine her level of interest. When you use the formula above, you create meaningful connection with another. And gauging her response will tell you whether it’s worth your time and effort to take it further.  

Remember, conversations, even simple sincere early-dating ones, are a 2 way street – ‘It takes to to tango’ as they say. 

Continue honing your messaging skills to set the stage for meaningful connection [ Stage 1 ], stay gently focused on the outcome (a date) [ Stage 2 ] and maintain authentic communication [ Stage 3 ] and you are well one your way to online dating success.   

Sound: use it to experience wild, full-bodied pleasure for men

Sex is like surfing. 

Learn how to ride the waves of your sexual energy and you’ll feel it’s magnificent force as a full bodied pleasure experience.

And who doesn’t want a full-bodied experience of pleasure? 

If you could control your ejaculatory reflex and spread the experience of arousal throughout your whole body, rather than having it just centered around the head of your penis, why wouldn’t you? 

In order to do this, you’ll need to be able to fully surrender to your turn-on, like a surfer surrenders to the power of the wave. 

In surrendering, the surfer relaxes into the rise and fall of the power of the ocean beneath him. 

At the same time, he remains open and connected to his body. He is completely present.

Same thing with sexual arousal. 

When you learn to relax into your pleasure and ride the wave versus clamping down on it, repressing it or controlling it you become super sensitive to pleasure. 

So much so that you can move and spread that energy throughout your body and experience expanded states of bliss.

Open, surrendered, and connected are the states you’ll need to be in to ride the waves of pleasure.

One of the most powerful tools for opening yourself up to these states is to use your voice. To ‘sound’.  

Sounding in sex is allowing your body to have a voice. 

It’s giving sound or voice to whatever part of you wants to express itself in that moment. 

It’s allowing whatever sounds that want to emerge from you to come out however they want to come out. And not judging them. 

Often times we are ashamed of making noise during sex, and we clamp down on the sounds that would naturally come out. 

This could come through years of adolescence where masturbation happened on the down low and as quickly as possible so no one would hear.

And so men are expected to emit an occasional grunt or groan, but not much else in sex. 

Women are also assigned a set of ‘proper’ sounds during sex. 

But as is so often the case, what we are sold as acceptable ‘normal’ sex sounds are scripted for Hollywood or porn and are limited. 

We humans are much more interesting than that. 

So let yourself go. 

You can get used to the sound of your own voice first in masturbation. Self-pleasure is a great place tp start. Let the sounds come forth wild an uninhibited, and you may just find that the powerful raw sexual desire, lusty and potent, rises within as well. 

You may feel a bit silly for it at first. Remember that no one is watching.

Full-bodied pleasure is yours to be had. 

Claim it.

The more you love and accept yourself for your truest, fullest expression, the more you open yourself up to being loved exactly this way by another. 

Journaling: A simple powerful tool to build confidence in dating and relationships

Journaling is a great way to work through the tough stuff and really know yourself. 

And really knowing yourself (and loving yourself for being YOU), is what actually builds your confidence from the inside out so that when you are on dates or in a relationship you feel grounded and confident no matter what happens.

Knowing and loving the parts of you that you’ve pushed into the shadows, the parts of you that you’ve been ashamed of, that you’ve feared being, the parts that feel like they are not worthy of love is especially powerful.

Acknowledging and accepting these parts of you allows you to stand in your full power. To show up as your fullest self.

And to open your heart and mind fully to another person – feel safe in doing so. There’s nothing to hide.

So if you want a deep, connected relationship, let’s get you started writing.

What you need

A journal or notebook. It doesn’t have to be fancy.

Your favourite pen / pencil.

A daily practice of writing. This can be anywhere from a few minutes of free form writing (whatever comes to mind). Or a more structured practice like the one I share below.

Get started - Journaling the Shadow

Shadow work (getting to know the parts of ourselves that we tend to push back into the shadows of our mind and hearts) is a fantastic way to create more compassion for ourselves. Here’s a way into shadow work through journaling.

Step 1: Write down 3 things you'd hate to be accused of

For example, many men are afraid of being accused of being selfish, mean, a bully, weak, or a pushover.

Step 2: Write down a time when you actually were this way and what resulted from it.

I was very selfish in my last relationship and it made me feel alone. My partner eventually left me.

Step 3: And another time when it served you

I was selfish when I decided to stay home from a family gathering because it would have been too stressful. I'm glad I stayed home because it was what I really needed. 

Step 4: Own this part of you fully

Say out loud – I am a selfish man. Feel it in your body. Know that it's only a part of you – a part that sometimes serves you. And so it is welcome and necessary – when the time is right.

Still not convinced? Hear me out.

I remember when I first met Naz. 

I was late for our first date – a picnic in the park.

It was a bright sunny day outside and we sat for hours chatting and munching on small bites as the clouds shifted quickly across the deep blue sky. 

Naz shared with me not only the good parts of his life – where he’s travelled to, the friends he has – but also the challenging stuff. The things that hurt and were hard. 

We went deep. 

It was only afterwards that Naz told me that he doesn’t normally share the tough stuff with people he’s just met. 

Or with anyone for that matter. 

When you accept all parts of you, exactly as you are, that’s when the magic happens. 

Naz felt confident enough in himself that day to open up and reveal parts of him and his life that showed me the man he was. 

The guy I fell in love with. 

Was he perfectly 100% confident in all ways? Nope. 
Was it enough? 
Yep. 

It was.

Learn about my bespoke men’s coaching programme and apply to work with me on building your confidence from the inside out.

3 simple ways to find love faster

If you're anything like I was, you're sick and tired of the endless dating cycle by now. 
You'd give anything to make the process of finding love (or as I see it, creating love), faster. 

You may have already fallen in love once or twice before in your lifetime (and if you haven't yet...don't worry – you are not alone). 

So you don't need me to tell you that falling in love is an incredible process of expansion. 

You feel yourself grow almost physically larger than life. Your heart explodes outwards. 
You see the world differently. 

As we get to know another, we see the world – our world – and ourselves through their eyes.

So really falling in love is an expansion into YOU.
You discover more about who YOU are. And fall in love with yourself as much as with another person.

And this is an incredible experience.

Oooo .. wait.. I can hear you now…

“But Andrea, how is this insight going to help me now? I’m single! 
I need to find my person first before I can benefit from this expansion business.”

Bullsh*t, I say. 

Not only can you experience the expansive amazingness of falling in love NOW
But it’s going to help you bring the person that’s going to invite you to know yourself more quickly into your life.  

Here are 3 simple ways that you can begin the process of falling in love NOW and attract in someone who’ll join the ride with you:

1. Fill your own gaps - are you looking for someone good with money because you suck with money? Let me tell you this, people good with money do their best to AVOID those who are not good with it. Looking for an artist type to help you realise your creative side? GET IN THE DRAWING STUDIO and see who you meet when you’re there. Filling the gaps feeds off of the misdirected belief that someone else should ‘complete’ us. Yes, there is a lot to learn from another in relationship, but expecting that other person to fill you up is draining. Learn to feed your own needs and desires in life so you are free to love the other person for who they are – not just what they bring to the relationship. That’s a ‘what can I get from this’ mentality and it doesn’t make for a healthy relationship.

2. Fall in love with your ‘faults’ - Do you look round you only to see people in the world who are non-committal? Or who don’t lack inspiration? Now turn the gaze upon yourself. Is there some part of you that’s afraid of commitment? Or that feels bored by life? THAT’S what wants loving. And some attention. Once you give these parts of you some TLC, then you’ll begin to notice, through inspired eyes, that there’s more out there (and in people) that you’d first seen.

3. Love who you are NOW. What parts of you or qualities in you light your own fire. Add some fuel to that flame and let yourself shine!!! This is a surefire way to attract more of what you already love into your life.

You’ve got this.

Turn up the volume on lovin’ yourself and filling you with what you need, and the world (of lovely available people), becomes your oyster.

How to have better sex: connection + consent with Nichi Hodgson

I want you to jump from two feet into the bedroom, when you feel finally ready to be intimate with a certain someone you might have just started dating. 

And not only that, I want you to have the best sex possible when you do. 

And so, I wanted to break out this bit of a conversation from a video I had posted a few weeks back with Nichi Hodgeson, journalist on all things sexy for the likes of the Guardian and Sky News that will help you to do so.

You see, consent is key to connection. 
And connection is the key to great sex. 

Especially if you are new to dating someone. 

It's key to know what feels good for you – and what doesn't. And to voice it. 
So open communication becomes a foundation to your relationship. 

Nichi breaks consent down for us beautifully in this video.
She explains that consent is deciding ‘Do I want to do this right now with this person?’ 

And then listening to your body and your mind. 
And remembering your values. 
And then deciding do you want to go ahead with it – or not.

We make hundreds of decisions a day and consent to lots of little tiny things whether they feel good or not. 
In fact, many times we ignore what our bodies are telling us because we feel that we ‘have’ to.

For example have you ever sat through work meetings for hours when you’d rather be getting on with what you’ve got to do. Or simple would love to have a stretch and a stroll?

In the video Nichi explains, we’re actually pretty good at ignoring what our bodies want and consenting anyway.
What we don’t do so well is voice when we don’t want something.

So it’s important when you are with someone, to notice how your body feels – and be upfront about it. 
Be firm with yourself if you are not sure and say, ‘Hey could we take a minute?’

Know that you can change your mind.
Buy yourself some time. Get some space
Go to the bathroom for a moment. 

When you come back, be real about what is going on. 
‘I’m having a great time with you but can we do something else instead.’ 

Or suggest something that you’d rather do. 

If words are difficult then put someone’s hand on your body in a way that feels good to be touched. 

A strong ‘No’ is wonderful to hear 
Because when that becomes a strong ‘Yes’ one day, the person you are with knows they can trust it.

It takes a strong ‘No’ to get to a strong ‘Yes’. 
And with a strong ‘Yes’ that can be trusted, deep connection results. 

And connected sex is soooooo good. 

Defy rejection + date with confidence

Rejection is a big one.

😌

I wrote a post on it here and in a few other groups and heard lots from you about it so I decided to speak on how to not only manage rejection, but also how to learn from it.

Whether you’ve been dating for a while or if you’re jumping in the sea after some time on dry land, you’re likely to have come across it in one form or another.

And probably are doing your best to avoid it. Who wouldn’t? It hurts! 🤕

Thing is, that by trying to avoid it I’ll bet that you’re talking your way out of what might be opportunities to know some pretty fantastic people.

Learn how to take the sting out of rejection so that it no longer becomes a ‘thing’.

🐝

Dating will feel easier.

And you’ll feel more free to meet people that you’d like to know better.

👬👫👭

The gift of rejection:

The more we can love + accept the parts of us we ‘reject’ within ourselves, the stronger and more confident that we’ll become. Here’s how it works.

Deciphering rejection:

1. Feel the feels fully in your body. Allow the tough emotions to flow through you. Create space by breathing into the tightest places, moving + sounding out the sensations + emotions.

2. Ask yourself, what part of me can I love more? You can find this answer by recalling the negative thoughts that went through your head when you were rejected. Something like…’he probably thought I was too…’ or ‘she didn’t think I was (fill in the blank) enough.” That part of you that you guess might be too much or too little is exactly the part of you that needs acceptance + to be appreciated and loved by you.

3. Let go of the story. Let go of whatever you think it might all mean...about the other person...about you.

4. And love yourself EVEN MORE.

How to seduce like the French

I want to seduce like the French 🇫🇷 ❤

I want to become a masterful seductress. Powerful. Sensual. 

I want to…

“Wait!! Andrea are you telling me that you ...YOU ... want to seduce people? But I thought you were a woman of integrity?!!?’ 🤨🤔

I can hear you interrupt me, and protest my proclamation. 

“But seduction is a bad thing!! The kind of thing that draw us … lures us unwillingly into something dangerous. And then we’re caught and burned, like a moth to flame,” you say.

Well, thank the gods and goddesses for the French is my reply. 

Because to the French seduction is about expressing your inner essence as a woman. Not to manipulate or deceive, but to LIGHT THE WORLD ON FIRE…and draw in love so you can live the life of your dreams. 🔥

It's linked to a woman’s sensuality (also not a bad thing according to the French) and to her joy of life and living, her 'joie de vivre' as they say. 

In our culture we don’t often feel free to express ourselves fully as sensual beings. Women who are ‘too’ sensual, who express ardent sexual desire, who love sex are often shamed and labeled loose or easy or amoral.

And we view seduction too, in a negative light. The dictionary spells out seduction as:

taking away someone's innocence

debauching, corruption

dishonouring, ruin

😧😯😱

Well, I’d not want to seduce or be seductive either if it meant I was coming from a place of need or greed and was ‘out to get’ something from someone. 

So I want to seduce like the French. 

I want to express my own inner confidence, to come more and more into my power as a woman. 

✨💃🏻✨

And so I’ve decided to partner with a very seductive French woman (who also happens to be a hugely talented luxury jewellery designer+maker), Victoria von Stein to help bring out of us all that it is to be a woman: radiance, elegance, flow, joy, intelligence, charm, playfulness, lightheartedness, beauty, intensity, passion, love...and so much more.

Victoria von Stein speaks about how the French view seduction. 

How it's not forced or fake. 

How a seductive woman, 'une femme seduisante', is a very positive thing.  

Because you see, the beauty of seduction as we know it is that it brings the world alive. 

It’s fun and playful. It’s joyful. 

And the one seduced feels desired, loved and alive….as he enters into your beautiful world.

Self-Pleasure Basics - How to really gain supreme confidence in dating (and in life)

You can only be confident in your sexiness – truly confident – if you know your body inside and out.

And self-pleasure is possibly THE best way to do that.

Imagine that you trusted your body completely, that you knew exactly what she wanted and needed at any time, and that you felt safe in your own sexiness. I'm talking about YOU being in charge here, no one else. 

Would that make you feel confident in dating? Hell yes! 

Would that make you feel confident in bed? That's another hell yes!! (Even got 2 exclams)

And that confidence radiates into your whole life.

Resilience: a key quality for thriving whilst dating

I’ve invited ‘healthy hedonist’ and Integrated Sex, Love and Relationships coach, yoga teacher, writer, speaker and women’s health expert Ruth Sowter to speak about…

Resilience.

Wait, what? Seems like a bit of a strange topic for a hedonist who’s to teach us about getting all googly-eyed over someone, wouldn’t you say?

The truth of the matter is that dating can feel like a tough game. And the beginning months of a new relationship like a trip down a rocky road with blind corners at every stop.

Ruth speaks about how Resilience is an essential skill to hone so that you can experience dating in a more healthy way.

The skills you learn in being resilient will translate to relationship as you transition over from dating to mating. 🥂

Staying with all of the myriad emotions you feel (from interest and curiosity to excitement and nervousness to insecurity and questioning to name a few) as you meet new people and get to know them can be very challenging and quite confusing.

Ruth teaches 3 easy ways to begin to develop Resilience so that you can feel more open and ready for love...and more steady AND sexy on a date. 

1. Create a pre-date ritual – For more on pre-date rituals, visit 3 pre-date rituals that will make you rock it on a date

2. Have a full life – Outside of dating

3. Practice boundaries – How to say 'yes' or 'no' to a next date

Watch the video for the details and wisdom. 

Wild woman, let me hear you roar!

I’ve invited Sharif Joynson, an embodiment coach for men and a martial arts master 🤺  to talk to you about what it is that makes a woman so damn sexy to guys that are really worth it. (He should know...he's worked with loads of men who tell him why). 

Embodying the qualities that Sharif will describe tonight will not only make you feel more sexy, but they will help you to feel more powerful and alive in all areas of your life. 

💎 You’ll live more truthfully than you ever have. 

💎 And move from a space of complete confidence and deep inner knowing. 

💎 And there is no deeper satisfaction than living a life from this place. 

You’ve already got the wild in you. It’s just a matter of bringing this part of you to life. 

Of feeling it throughout your body as you expand into it – and yourself, fully.

Watch the video to learn how to begin to awaken the Wild within you.

The jade egg demystified - an ancient sex tool goes mainstream

It took me months and months before I had the courage to use the jade egg for the first time. You see, I was never really that comfortable with putting tampons in, so how the hell was I going to get this little egg-shaped stone into my body?

No one in my family was comfortable with the word ‘sex’, never mind having a whole discussion about it. So putting ANYTHING in our bodies, even a tampon, always felt shameful and wrong.

Sound familiar?

I was determined however, to get over this. It was blocking me from really experiencing my fullest potential in sex and love and I knew it. My phobia of self-pleasure and touching myself sexually had to go if I wanted maximum confidence in myself. And I knew that the jade egg was a way to get there. 

The first step, I learned, in getting me to feel more comfortable about all of this was learning exactly what the jade egg was, where it came from, where it would land inside of my body and what precisely it would do for me once it was there.

In this video, I talk about the benefits of a jade egg practice. And how it’s been used for thousands of years to help women (and how it can now help you) to:

• amplify your pleasure in sex

• increase your orgasmic potential

• and bring you back to wholeness

• feel more alive

• awaken your sexiness

And I cover some of the basics like:

What is a jade egg? 

It’s and egg-shaped stone made of jade. It’s that simple.

What do you do with it? 

Think of this like yoga for your vagina. You use it internally and perform a series of practices that help to not only strengthen your muscles (which in and of itself increases your orgasmic potential). 

How does it work exactly? 

A regular jade egg practice includes a series of physical exercises. For example squeezing + releasing around the egg when it sits at various points in your vagina from close to the pelvic floor to up near the cervix. 

It also includes supportive mind / body practices to help you to release conditioning and build a healthy relationship to your sexuality and your body. 

What are the results of a regular jade egg practice?

• It builds a strong mind / body connection so critical in how much pleasure you experience in sex

• Supports you in letting go of any limiting thoughts or beliefs about yourself and your body that keep you from experiencing maximum pleasure

• Brings you back to a healthy vibrant state of wholeness physically and mentally

• Gives you more energy and vibrancy in all parts of your life

If you’d like to be informed about my upcoming Jade Egg course, send me an email and I’ll add you to the list: andrea@lushcoaching.com

Love. Andrea

The real secret to absolute confidence in dating (and life)

Self-pleasure. 

Yup, That's the secret. And I'm going to stand behind this bold statement because it's so true.

You can only be confident in your sexiness – truly confident – if you know your body inside and out. 

Sometimes this means understanding your anatomy better so you feel less 'in the dark' about what's going on in there. 

Sometimes it means knowing what turns you on. What gets you pumping the break. And what causes you to slam down so hard on that thing that the whole entire beautiful machine that is your body and your voyage to pleasure comes to a screeching halt. 

And sometimes it means learning to feel safe in our own bodies.

Imagine that you trusted your body completely, that you knew exactly what she wanted and needed at any time, and that you felt safe in your own sexiness. I'm talking about YOU being in charge here, no one else. 

Would that make you feel confident in dating? Hell yes! 

Would that make you feel confident in bed? That's another hell yes!! (Even got 2 exclams)

Developing a self-pleasure practice is key. And by practice I mean just that:

• Something that you do regularly so you get good at it

• Something that you PRACTICE at. That means sometimes falling down, sometimes not having it be what you thought it was, sometimes not knowing what the hell you are doing.

• Because you are learning

In this video I give some basic steps into getting started with self-pleasure. 

If you don't know where to begin, start here. 

So much love to you!

Are relationships (the long-lasting, hot and sexy kind) really worth it? Part 2

How to choose the right person for long-term hot, sexy, beautiful love.

Let me ask you this: do you trust yourself to choose the right partner in love? 💝

Or are you confused by the options? 

Does your body tells you one thing (hubba hubba). 🤪 And your mind another (stay far away from this one, bad news!!)? 🤨 Or vice versa. 

This is totally normal. And also frustrating and downright confusing! 

Download this { FREE } bonus Cheat Sheet:

14 typical questions 🦖 + 3 not-so-typical tips 🐒 to use on dates so you know if it’s really worth it

So many women that I speak with feel like they’ve chosen poorly in the past and now lack the confidence to move forward with (or step away from) guys that they are dating. 

In this video we explore together:

⭐ How to know who and what is good for you

⭐ How to sift through the sand to find the gold nugget you might be missing

⭐ How to get your support crew in place to help you play in this game of love

We’ll talk about biology, our brains, why we’re attracted to the ‘wrong’ people, and how to move beyond it towards a relationship with someone that feels hot and sizzly and that is built to last over time.

✨Move beyond biology and instinct by embracing both and adding a bit of consciousness to the mix. ✨

💝The building blocks of a good strong relationship begin in dating. And knowing how to ‘date well’ is critical to finding the love you want.

Build Supreme Confidence in Dating - Part 3

Here's Part 3 of the three part of this FB LIVE series on mastering dating you'll move into calculated action to become supremely confident in dating. 

You'll learn a technique that will re-wire your brain so that being confident feels natural.

Get the { FREE } Playbook for Part 3

You'll bring together everything you learned in Part 1 and in Part 2 to:

- Take care of the parts of you holding you back so they step aside gracefully. Love. Always.

- Take action! Define some concrete things that you can do immediately to move you forward.

- Call in the troops: build up the parts of yourself that can support you.

- Call in the reinforcement: Clean up or reinforce your support system of family + friends

Oooommmm...You'll find yourself becoming a supremely confident master of yourself...And of dating

SHARE this with those you think could use it. ❤️

Catch me every Wednesday at 8PM GMT on Facebook Live where I talk about all things love, sex + relationships: fb.me/andrealushlife

Build Supreme Confidence in Dating - Part 2

Part 2 of a 3 Part FB LIVE series (fb.me/andrealushlife) on how to uncover what is really blocking you from feeling confident by deep diving into your body – it holds the answer! 

Take notes in this Playbook for Part 2 – it'll help you record and remember what you learn as we go along. 

Get the { FREE } Playbook for Part 2

I now manage the ebbs and flows of dating (and of life) by learning how to recognize and become intimately familiar with the parts of me that hold me back from really going for it. 

And you can do it too. 

Often what holds us back are bits of us that are trying to look out for us – they just don't feel like it's going to be safe for us to have exactly what we want, whether that's a relationship or just to have a really good time on a date! 

Might sound a bit crazy, but I've seen through coaching numerous clients and in going through the process countless times, that this is it. Simple, right? 

Good news is that once you recognize and understand these parts of you, you can take care of them so that they quietly step to the side as you move forwards towards supreme confidence. Oh, yeah! 

There are also supports within you that you can call on for help. We'll begin to uncover these too in this 2nd part. 

It will be in Part 3 though where we really give our supports the permission to really flex their muscles and show us the superpowers they have. 

For everyone it's different. What you uncover and what you hold inside of you to fuel your confidence is yours alone. Once you get to know yourself this intimately, the open sea of dating will feel less daunting and you won't feel so frustrated, lost, confused or alone out there. 

SHARE the love with those you think could use it! ❤️

Catch me every Wednesday at 8PM GMT on Facebook Live where I talk about all things love, sex + relationships: fb.me/andrealushlife

Build Supreme Confidence in Dating - Part 1

Part 1 of a 3 Part FB LIVE series (fb.me/andrealushlife) on how to become so supremely confident in dating that you go on dates easily and live the aftermath of them gracefully.

What I share with you in Part 1 is first stage of a simple yet profound 3 part process that I learned to understand what was really going on.

Get the { FREE } Playbook for Part 1

Get crystal clear on what you really want

The first part is to get super clear on exactly what it is that you want. So for example if you want to be in a relationship, then dig down into being in a relationship will bring to your life. What more will you have or experience. What more will it give you. 

Bring it into 3D

The next step is to visualize what this looks like when all 5 of your senses are engaged. What do you see, hear, taste, smell, and touch in this new reality. 

By doing this your body starts to register your future state in the present time. This does 2 things:

1. Lets your brain know that you can have this and survive.

2. Invites the parts of you that are afraid of you having this new reality to show up. If they weren't there, you'd already have done what it takes to have it!

Get to know your monsters

Begin to get to know the parts of you that are blocking you. Whilst they may seem like enemies at the moment, they came to you to help you in some way. Only now it's time they move on. 

Invite them to step aside

In Part 2 learn how to transform these monsters so that they step aside, freeing your pathway to your goal. 

Catch me every Wednesday at 8PM GMT on Facebook Live where I talk about all things love, sex + relationships: fb.me/andrealushlife

Boost your sexy factor astronomically with this 6 step guide to wearing hot lingerie

Even if you get the sweats just thinking of going into the shop

I remember the hesitation that I’d feel as I inched my way down the street towards the beautiful, luxurious lingerie shop.

I could feel the sweat dripping down my body, the intense feeling of shame as I thought about what would my friends think. I was sure none of them shopped in a place like this.

Or maybe they did? I don’t know. We never talked about it.

I remember the feeling like an awkward teenager (at the age of 40+), as I approached the door of that shop time after time, never quite brave enough to go in. 

You see, I wanted to graduate from department store lingerie to something that made me feel playful, alluring, daring, sensual, and mysterious, like the women I'd see in magazines or in the city.

I wanted to feel sensationally, astronomically, out-of-this-world sexy.

And one of the keys to this I felt was inside of that shop.

But I couldn’t get myself over the threshold. Until one day I did. 

And wow, how the journey changed me.  

Here's my 6 step guide to getting you, too inside of that shop and up-leveling your sexy in ways you'd never imagined. 

Step 1

Know you will survive this.

So this one isn’t really a step, per say, but it’s very important to remember that you will come out of the shop alive. That’s pretty much a guarantee.   

It might not feel like it right now, but its a probably truth.

Unless your heart stops at your incredible sexiness. Which it could. Take the risk?

Step 2

Now that we’ve put things into perspective, let’s get down to the nitty gritty.

You’re gonna need to warm up before you actually go into the shop: practicing some major time body love.

What do I mean by that? I mean that every time you look in that mirror either clothed or naked, you give yourself 3 compliments for every 1 criticism. THREE for every 1.

Do this for a week. At least.

Your mind needs to learn to be nicer to yourself if you’re going to have fun on your adventure.

It’s probably never be trained properly, so now we’re gonna tame that monkey. With everthing we’ve got.

Remember: 3 for 1

Step 3

Once that monkey is well in it’s cage, think about the ‘right’ store.

As I mentioned, I went to Agent Provocateur, not because I could afford it (I couldn’t at the time), but because it was upmarket, luxurious, elegant, and also playful, fun and there was defo some stuff in there I’d never imagine trying on.

It’s not your mamma’s lingerie shop.

It also didn’t feel like a sleazy place, though it definitely pushed my edge.

I would eventually shop here for real, as I do also at Donna Summers (sort of the UK version of Victoria’s Secrets but a bit more ‘racy’). It took me ages longer to go into Donna Summers though as ‘cheap’ was one of the many words I heard that were equated with women who were sexy, light, fun and playful in their sexuality.

If I was spending a lot of money, I could not be ‘cheap’, right?

OOoo the mind.

Monkey, get back in the cage!
 

Step 4

Go into the shop.

Easier said than done you say? I agree. Totally.

Oooo how many times did I circle that store in Soho. Like a vulture. Or rather some sort of tiny, timid, frightened animal (how I wish I were as fierce as a vulture!).

Tiny because the women in the magazines were tall and leggy and knew a lot more than I did and so I felt small and too this and that and not enough of the other. Monkeeeeeeyyyyy!!!

He’s back in the cage. Cause I had trained for this. Hard!

And there I was, pushing my way through the door.

I was able to look the shop keepers in the eye (after years of lowering my head in embarrassment and shame in the face of lace, this wasn’t an easy one), and lo and behold they looked nice! And not at all scary like I had in my mind.

Why did I feel these women were scary? That is a dissertation I can save for another time, but basically a woman in her full sexual power is scary. Why do you think we’ve been shamed and oppressed for so long from our full sexy forces. When you own this part of you as a woman you are powerful, amazing, uncontrollable, mind-blowing (literally), and therefore a force to be reckoned with. And silenced. And shamed. And tamed.

Well, me no longer.

But I’m going to put that on hold for now as I could go on and on but we’re in the shop now!!!
 

Step 5

Try stuff on.

OMG. Yes. Please!! Try as much stuff on as you can. Especially the stuff that you could never imagine yourself trying on, which for me was pretty much all of it. Ha!

What helped me was when one of the shopkeepers asked if she could help. And I hesitated (as the sweat dripped down my body...you see, I was in but it was still quite nerve-racking to be managing all the feels I was feeling).

And she asked, ‘Well, what role do you want to play? How do you want to feel?’.

I probably looked at her quizzically, as she then pulled from the rack a pink tassely type thing and said, ‘Here you can be a Roman goddess’...or with this one you could be like a Spanish flamenco dancer’?

It was like Halloween? Or role play? Whatever was going on, it worked. It made it less scary.

I could try on these strappy, sexy numbers, step into my roman goddess or whatever, and it felt like fun.

I could explore what it must have been like to be these beautiful women archetypes. I’d eventually learn to tap into so many of these incredible flavours of sexy inside of myself with or without the lace and tassels, but right now it was what I needed.

Game on!

I was in there for hours.

Top tip: Now’s the time to deploy the mind exercise I told you about if you need. 3 positive things. You’ll be looking in that mirror a lot.

Step 6

Wear it at home. Alone.

Sometimes it takes a bit of time to grow into new clothes.

And whilst I felt beautiful like I never had before trying that stuff out in the shop, I also felt unsure about it. I mean, when would I actually wear this stuff? And why? I was single!! For what felt like could be indefinitely?! Help!!  

I got that stuff for me. For myself. To learn how to step into parts of me that went into hiding. That never grew up or out. That were squished in there. Quieted. Silenced. But definitely not forever.

I had begun to find these parts of myself in the shop, to taste and to feel all of the different flavours of beauty inside of me.

I was stepping into the place of the women in the magazines. I was taking my place amongst them, not because I changed careers and became a supermodel, but because I was stepping into my sexiness and the power that comes with that as a woman who owns it.

Am I perfect at it? Nope. Do I still look at magazines and feel like a little girl? Sometimes. A lot more often, I look into the mirror and see staring back at me a beautiful, sexy woman.

And I smile at her. She owns it. And wow, is she a presence.  

Note: not all women in photos in magazines look sexy or powerful all the time.

5 tips on how to flirt when you just don't feel like it

I remember when it was easy to flirt. I felt amazing, on top of the world, alive and flirting was just a natural extension of this.

Teasing a smile onto someone’s face or getting them to laugh fueled my own happiness.

I felt sexy and playful and myself.

Then there were times when I felt dead inside. Maybe it was from too many hours in front of the computer which sometimes felt like it was sucking my soul away. The artificial light from the screen glowed more brightly than anything inside of me.

The last thing I could have done in those moments was flirt. It just wasn’t happening. Cynicism or sarcasm would come out instead, and the negative undertone of those maybe would draw  a chuckle, but it felt more like it kept people away instead of drawing them closer. Play with this though and see what you yourself experience.

So that leads me to my first tip:

Spoil yourself

Give yourself what you need to make you happy

Be alone with yourself. Or spend time with friends. Go to the spa or take a long hot bath. Put on some crazy music and dance it off. Do whatever it is you need to soothe your soul and make you feel more alive.  

Getting to good will help get you to great. And when you feel great, flirting becomes an extension of who you are. Of the fire inside. When you light yourself up, you light up a room...or another soul.

Start small  

Still not quite feelin' it?

Flirt with your sister, with your girlfriends, with the cat, or the guy behind the deli counter.

This isn’t quite ‘faking it till you make it’ – getting in the mode can help get you in the mood.

 

Flirt to fit your mood

Feeling just a little bit warmer? Flirt lightly. A compliment here. A lingering glance there...always with the intention of sharing the little ray of sunshine that’s starting to flicker in your soul.

Match your mood. If you’re feeling playful, be playful. If you feel shy, a gentle wink will do the job.

Listen

Get curious about the person you’re with. Notice what excites them. Tune in. Stay focused on the conversation and pick up on times when they light up. So say for instance, someone is telling you about their trip to Hawaii and you pick up on the fact that they loved hula dancing. Tease out of them why they loved it.

By doing this they will feel heard and seen and there’s nothing sexier than that.

It’s also a way of allowing them to relive a moment in their lives where they felt alive. And by doing so you are in a way giving them a bit more of that experience. Teasing is in one sense, giving to someone a little bit of what they desire. Yum!

Immerse yourself in the now

Mindfulness has a place even in the game of flirting. Tune in to what turns you on about where you are and what you are doing.

Notice all of the physical sensations, the softness of the grass under your feet, the bitter twang of coffee as it hits your tongue. Drop in completely. 

The lusciousness of life will slowly fill you back up again and you'll enjoy just being in the world. Share what you notice with someone near you. This closeness and intimacy in a shared moment is a flirt in and of itself. 

3 pre-date rituals that will make you rock it on a date

I’ve used these sweet and sexy rituals over and over again to get ready for nerve-racking dates with potential ‘loves of my life’ and smokin’ hot guys I’ve been curious about.

Why? Because I found that whatever way the dates went, I had a spectacular time. I was my own little party. Now that’s power!

Ritual 1: Shake it, baby

Shake it off...like a bunny or a polar bear.... Or maybe Taylor Swift? You decide. (Even if you do choose the bunny, I’d still recommend doing this ritual to some Taylor Swift.)

Shaking, a.k.a. the ‘therapeutic tremor’, is your body’s way of releasing tension and stress.

'No duh,' you say? Then why aren’t you doing it? Like all the time!!

It feels sooooo gooood.

Here’s the science behind what’s happening:

When we are stressed or threatened, our bodies physically tense and contract, especially muscles deep in our core. At the same time, a cascade of neurological and hormonal changes transforms our body for self-protection and defense. Our senses sharpen, heartbeat and breathing quicken, and digestion slows to a crawl.*

Sound familiar? That’s how I used to feel before ALL my dates.

No matter how much I kept telling myself to just chill out, I just couldn't. Here’s why:

Once we feel safe again, our bodies activate a natural shaking mechanism to discharge the muscular tension and reset our systems back to baseline….. But if this tension is not shaken out, then signals are sent to our brain that we are still under threat, which causes us to tighten up even more. A vicious cycle ensues.*

Best to shake it off.

Here’s how (Want a demo? Watch the video.)

Start with your hands and fingers. Wiggle them, move them. Shake them out.

Let the shake travel up into your arms, getting your whole arm involved. 

Now move your arms over your head, still shaking them the whole way.

Now let that shake shimmy down into your head and neck into your shoulders and rib cage.

Shake those hips! (As if I had to tell you.)

Shake it all the way down to your legs and your feet. Shake those feet out! 

Do this until you can't shake any more. You are done.

*Phoenix Society for burn survivors

Ritual #2: Dance it

I like to start this one off the back of the shaking ritual I described in my first post. After all, you’re already warmed up!

If you do that, you can start right in with your wild + crazy dance track. Find some music that makes your heart beat and let it out. Go insane!!

If not, you might want to start this ritual with a nice, sweet warm-up beat. Fine some music that's a bit fun and light to get you in the mood. Get those feet tapping and give it a little bounce.

And as you begin to get into it, you can then move on to a song where you really let your hair down. It might take you a few warm up tracks to get there, but when you do, really let it go.

Remember: no one is watching you anyway. This is YOUR TIME. Fill yourself with your own awesomeness through your most bodacious body moves. Let her rip! You know you look good. ;-)

Key tip: It’s important to let yourself be your most wild, fullest self in this. Allowing yourself to really go for it and let go will bring a massive sense of power which will fuel you during your date. Fill yourself up with good vibes until you are overflowing.

Ain’t nothin gonna bring you down.

Now, with whatever you got left, put on some purring sexy music. Oo yeah. End sexy and soothing. Run your hands through your hair, across your face, your luscious lips. Caress that body as it gently sways to the rhythm. Notice how much yumminess you can get from the pleasure factory of your own hands!! Let the music fill you, permeate you. Fill that body up with PLEASURE. You are pure, sensual power. Give yourself whatever you need to feel sooooo goood.

Top tip: create a track list of at least 3 songs (that’s about a 6-10 minute timeframe so give yourself that time well before your date).

1. Song 1: Light, happy warm-up

2. Song 2: Wild and crazy

3. Song 3: Sweet and sensual

You’ll be flying out the door feeling ever so good, glowing with perfumed power.

Ritual #3: Aphrodisiacs

Just that word sets little fireworks off in my brain and in my body.

Why? Cause I’m a sucker for culinary delights. And history. And science. And love.

Aphrodisiacs fire me up on all those cylinders. 

Ancient civilizations used aphrodisiacs to fuel their sexual energy, their turn on. Whether it was via endorphins released by eating chilis, or the sensual plumping of the lips stimulated by the ingestion of ginger, or the sustained energy obtained from caffeine in chocolate that allowed for endurance in sexy play, our forebears in the Americas and Asia knew a few things about having a good time.

Since it's winter here in the northern hemisphere, I'll share with you the recipe for a nice warm glass of the hot cocoa (aka cacao) that will get your inner fires burning.

It'll also help you to get out the door. Sometimes in winter it's difficult to get out there when it's so cold.

Ginger + Chili Spiced Hot Chocolate

- 1 glass milk (unsweetened, nut or regular milk are both ok)

- 2 tbsp organic 100% cocoa powder

- fresh ginger (about the size of your thumb or to taste)

- 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon

- 1/2 tsp ground nutmeg

- 1/4 tsp chilli powder

- Honey / sugar to taste (optional and preferably raw / unrefined)

- Rose petals (optional)

Place the almond milk in a glass container and grate the fresh ginger into it. Cover with the lid and refrigerate for 30 min - 1 hr (you can do your shaking + dancing rituals whilst this is sitting).

Heat the milk/ginger infusion in a small saucepan, bringing to a steady boil on medium heat or until the milk gets frothy around the edges.

Add 2 level tablespoons of cocoa powder, then add the nutmeg, cinnamon and chili powder. Stir continuously for 2-3 minutes to dissolve completely.

Serve hot, using a small strainer to separate the bits of grated ginger.

Float the rose petals on the top. 

Enjoy!