Is it good to have sex right after a massive fight?
Does it feel kind of right and kind of wrong at the same time?
Here’s what happens when we do it. Why we do it. And how it might actually help you – and your relationship.
What is makeup sex, anyway?
Makeup sex is when you go from arguing or fighting fiercely with your intimate partner to having intense, passionate sex with them.
Lots of people experience it – you if you have too, you are so not alone.
It may seem perplexing that you can go from wanting to draw blood one minute to ravaging each other the next. But there are a few reasons – from the from psychological to the physiological – as to why that is.
Whilst makeup sex can do some good for your relationship, there are some very important things to be aware of if you want to create a healthy way of being with one another.
Why does it happen?
There are a few different reasons why makeup sex might happen.
‘Excitation transfer’ is the psychological term that describes the shift of emotions from strike-to-kill anger to strong never-wanted-it-more sexual desire in the mere flash.
When excitation transfer happens, emotional responses like the desire for closeness or reconciliation through sex can be intensified by initial arousal felt from a heated argument or full-on fight.
In other words, your body’s response to the high emotions triggered in the dramatic moments of a fight, fuel the flame of the experience.
To confuse your body, heart and mind even more, the hormones released when you’re threatened – adrenaline, noradrenaline, and testosterone – are the same ones that surge through you when you’re turned on.
What are the benefits of makeup sex?
The possibility of losing the person that you love or being rejected or left by them as a result of a fight, can cause your body to go into overdrive.
And even if you come to a reconciliation, your emotions are likely still charged. Your physical body will still be holding onto the tension together with the chemicals coursing through it.
When we’re highly stressed, our bodies need to experience a physical release of the tension that’s built up so that we can come back into balance.
The physical act of sex can allow you to do just that. Sex can be a substitute for the actual movement like ‘shaking it off’ that our body does naturally to stabilize us after a traumatic event.
Resolution + Closure
Makeup sex is a way to affirm that you still love and care for one another when you can’t find the words for all of the messiness and confusion of the mixed feelings you are having.
It can be comforting to affirm that we are loved and accepted still by our partner, even though we just had a massive fight.
Makeup sex offers a way for you both to come together with the understanding that things will be resolved.
It allows your emotional heart a place to express the mixed emotions you likely feel.
Reveals resentments
Whilst it’s highly advised to develop a healthier way of communicating than through shouting and screaming, blow-ups can bring to light resentments.
Your partner might be frustrated by the fact that you never share your feelings. And relieved to hear you finally say what you mean and ask for what you need.
If they make it ok for you to do this by accepting what you’ve shared (though perhaps not enjoying the way you’ve shared it) then moving forward you may be more apt to be outspoken and assertive in the relationship.
Making a claim to needs and desires is very healthy for someone who never does this.
Widens your sexual experience
Makeup sex might also change the sex you have as you allow parts of yourself to come forward and be seen. This could show itself as being more assertive in bed by asking for what you want, taking the lead or being on top for once.
It’s beautiful to be able to experience both leading and following in sex and changing up your role / energy can feel exciting and fresh.
What are the risks of makeup sex?
Fighting as de-facto communication
It’s not necessarily beneficial to get in the habit of down and dirty fighting to feel that you can say what you want. Or to ask for what you want in bed.
It is important to develop a true sense of safety and security in your relationship so that you can share deep truths and not feel that your life is threatened when you do so.
Depending on the experiences you’ve had in your life with speaking from your heart and being heard, loved and celebrated for it (if you’re one of these fortunate few, congratulations), this may feel easy or impossibly difficult.
You might want to consider getting some professional support should you wonder what other options there are aside from raising your voice, withdrawing completely, appeasing the other or just simply ‘taking it’.
False resolution
The reason why you were fighting in the first place may still need resolving. Just because you’ve had sex, doesn’t mean that for both of you the conflict is no longer there.
It is best worked through from a space that is calm and grounded for both of you.
Where you both take responsibility and ownership for your part in the conflict.
Bad sex makes it worse
Makeup sex isn’t always hot. Nor does it always leave you feeling better or more connected afterwards.
In fact, it can make things worse. If you’ve not gotten your needs met and feel tender and vulnerable, then opening yourself up further to your partner when you are not yet ready will exacerbate things.
Take the time you need to recover and come back into balance on your own. Exercise and movement to shake off the tension and bring you back down might be just what you need.
Space to work through the complex emotional experience you’ve just had could be the perfect thing.
What to do instead
The things that want looking at in you and your relationship will keep coming back until you work through them.
Learning how to have open, clear communication in conversations about difficult topics is a great place to start – especially if you’re tired of fighting.
This can take a bit of work as we’re not normally taught how to do this. It’s one of the most important things that I work on with my clients.
That and learning what your triggers are – and how to hold yourself through the emotional rollercoaster that results when you get really pissed off .
These are superpowers that I learned from many wisened teachers who have come before me. If you feel like you’d love support in developing these next-level relationship skills, send me a message and we’ll talk about how.