If you are single, then making time to date and to manage the emotional rollercoaster of ghosting, catfishing, breadcrumbing, bench warming, etc., etc., can feel superfluous and annoyingly distracting when there are ‘more important’ work demands to deal with.
According to the latest research, you may be leaving money on the table, promotions and recognition, and the personal gratification that comes with career wins from meaningful work.
“Sheryl Sandberg, Bill and Melinda Gates, Warren Buffett, and my mother all agree on one thing – “that the single most important career decision that a woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner is.””
In truth, all relationships require time (our greatest asset in today’s world of ‘busy’), energy and attention in order to first exist – and then to grow.
Sheryl Sandberg, Bill and Melinda Gates, Warren Buffett, and my mother all agree on one thing – "that the single most important career decision that a woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner is."
And so the investment that you make not only in finding the right mate but also in cultivating that relationship holds a bigger potential return for our career growth than we initially imagine.
“Evidence is mounting from sociological research that when both partners dedicate themselves to work and to home life, they reap benefits such as increased economic freedom, a more satisfying relationship, and a lower-than-average chance of divorce.”
We can lose sight of this possibility when we have a hard time envisaging how we’ll ever manage it all. You might see friends in a relationship or who are a single parents, facing the demands of balancing career growth and and family responsibilities including kids, ageing parents and intimate partnership. In truth, it is extremely challenging.
A recent McKinsey study found that ‘89 percent of women and 70 percent of men are part of a dual-career couple (DCC)—a couple in which both partners have jobs. These couples come from all racial and ethnic groups and from all income levels.’(1)
Yet ‘evidence is mounting from sociological research that when both partners dedicate themselves to work and to home life, they reap benefits such as increased economic freedom, a more satisfying relationship, and a lower-than-average chance of divorce.(2)’
“Meaningful work provides intrinsic rewards beyond dollar signs that are valuable for people and their identity.”
Notes colleague and friend Adrienne Partridge, ‘Meaningful work provides intrinsic rewards beyond dollar signs that are valuable for people and their identity.’ Adrienne should know. She’s leadership and career coach who studied women's career choices for her doctoral research in psychology and has worked with high-achieving professional women for years.
When we are with a partner who supports us, who is there to encourage us to take risks at work and helps us to feel safe moving beyond our comfort zone, we show up with greater confidence and the assurance that we need to go there. Psychologist John Bowlby’s groundbreaking work in attachment theory calls this form of support in intimate relationships a ‘secure base’.
Even still, coming together to align on aspirations for career and desires for home life is complicated.
So how do couples do it? And how can you?
Explore the options, get clear on what you want – and why – and communicate it.
Jennifer Petriglieri, an associate professor of organizational behavior at INSEAD proposes three basic models to consider when determining balancing work and life for dual-career couples (2):
(1) In primary-secondary, one partner’s career takes priority over the other’s for the duration of their working lives. The primary person dedicates more time to work and less to the family, and his or her professional commitments (and geographic requirements) usually come before the secondary person’s.
(2) In turn taking, the partners agree to periodically swap the primary and secondary positions.
(3) In double-primary, they continually juggle two primary careers.
The model that feels right for you will ultimately be the one that aligns most with your values.
As I’ve mentioned, for many dual-career couples, personal identity and meaning are intrinsic in what they have chosen for a career path. At the same time, ideas about what makes for a ‘good’ home life including what’s right for children and in caring for ageing parents can change.
“Balance is a misnomer. Things are not always going to be in perfect balance.”
Clear, open communication on what you want from the dating stage onwards is key
Know that the model that feels right for you now may shift over time. And so establishing clear, open communication channels right from the onset beginning with dating, is fundamental to the success of a dual-career relationship.
It’s as important to open up about fears and what your boundaries are, as much as it is to express what you value and why.
This can feel quite scary. Especially if you are not used to feeling vulnerable.
And yet it’s in this space that opportunity for deep connection and understanding happen.
When you voice your needs, and consider those of the other, then it’s from this space of mutual understanding that solutioning can happen.
As a couple, work together to craft a plan that considers each of your needs, desires and ambition based on shared values. Consider the role that you’ll take in each other’s lives. Get clear on the responsibilities and expectations that come along with that role. And keep on talking about what works and what wants tweaking.
When the going gets tough, remember this
It’s going to get messy. Articles like this can make it all seem easy. We’ve just got to get clear on what we want, have a conversation, take action, and boom, it’s done.
Know that one of the main reasons we’re in relationships is to grow and to learn. And like anything else this learning, whether it’s about how best to communicate complex feelings or how to understand what is truly important to you and why, can look and feel uncomfortable. And that’s ok.
It’s worth it.
Let’s come back to the point on why having the right partner is advantageous for career success. When you have a partner that supports you in challenging yourself, in stepping outside of your comfort zone, in staying by you as you do so, you feel more capable of stepping into the danger zone and taking that risk necessary to grow into a promotion or take on new responsibilities.
It feels great to be supported in this way – and to be that same support for your partner when they need.
“When we are with a partner who supports us, who is there to encourage us to take risks at work and helps us to feel safe moving beyond our comfort zone, we show up with greater confidence and the assurance that we need to go there. ”
This is the foundation of a healthy relationship.
After all, I believe that we’re all here to grow and evolve into the brightest versions of ourselves possible in all areas of our lives. And we’re not meant to do that alone.
Finding the right person for such an important partnership is essential.
Whether you are single and struggling to find the right person, or in a relationship and feel you could do with some support, I can help. Contact me and we’ll talk about how.