Women often come to me saying that they don’t want to settle.
But every time they meet a guy who’s perfectly nice, they just don’t feel the spark.
Or they just don’t feel like they can trust him – he’s just too nice.
If this is you, you might be keeping yourself from creating a healthy relationship – one that is not only sexy, exciting and alive – but also stands the test of time.
Or you might be doing exactly the right thing.
Here’s the real difference between ‘nice guys’ and ‘bad boys’ – and what you want instead.
When it’s about him
If your ‘nice guy’ is a ‘yes man’, then no, he can not be trusted. And nope, ‘yes men’ are certainly not sexy.
Yes men are people pleasers.
They’ll do or say anything to win your affection or draw you in.
A yes man will tell you want you want to hear, and it may not necessarily be what he actually thinks or feels.
You feel he can’t be trusted because you’re left wondering what’s really going on beneath the surface. You might even wonder what may come out of the closet and surprise you later down the line.
Yes men lack boundaries.
Hence women feeling like they can ‘walk all over them.’
This is not at all appealing for a woman who knows her worth. She’s not into power plays, but wants a healthy relationship where there’s mutual respect and understanding.
Therefore this type of yes man is uninteresting. An empowered woman wants to be held accountable for her views and opinions. She wants to be challenged to be the best that she can be. And for this she needs a powerful man who’s not afraid to say what he sees in her – when she’s doing great. And where there are blind spots. Even if some things are hard to hear, he finds a way to say them so that it feels supportive and constructive.
A yes man doesn’t know his own worth.
He may honestly love you, but he doesn’t love himself enough to give this love in a healthy way. He overcompensates, is over-giving and over-available. This feels uninteresting.
The antithesis of the ‘nice guy’ is the ‘bad boy’. But this guy too, as we know, is also flawed.
When it’s about you
Why we go for the ‘bad boy’ instead
His kind of love (or lack thereof) feels familiar. Literally.
Some women are used to love and affection feeling just out of reach. This may be what you experienced from your parents or caretakers, who were often absent, busy or just not available enough.
We look to heal this breach in adulthood – to find someone that we can get to give us the attention we never got as a kid. We hope to convert the person. To get them to love us.
But in reality, they are unable to love like we need them to in the first place.
Don’t trust honest, open, healthy displays of love + affection because you are not used to them.
We love the ‘bad boys’ because they let us explore a part of us that has been suppressed
You know that you don’t have to be on their best behaviour with a guy who’s a rebel. And you allow your own ‘bad girl’ to come out.
In childhood girls are often taught to be ‘good’. And our rebellious nature is repressed. You therefore might feel a childlike glee and joy in doing what’s forbidden. And this can fuel the flames of desire. It feeds excitement.
The ‘wild’ in you has been condemned by our society and culture
And yet raw, uninhibited desire is a natural part of being human. Women who express freely this part of themselves are often stigmatised and judged. If a woman senses that she’s going to be given a chance to express this deep innate part of her sexuality, she’s going to be drawn to someone that she feels will receive this with open arms and enjoy it.
The drama in another distracts us from ourselves.
The bad boy gives us a project that needs ‘fixing’.
Women often get validated as care-takers, fixers, healers and learn at an early age that we’re good if we do this. Fixing gives a sense of worth and purpose.
The only problem is that these guys don’t necessarily want to change. Or to be fixed. And so over time a woman can become submissive rather than nurturing, when the one she wants to change either won’t or ‘just can’t’.
External drama keeps the focus on the external. On him. On the drama in the relationship that always seems to be there. On what’s going on outside of you.
When the storm outside is quiet because you’re with someone who is balanced and healthy, then there’s no distraction. It gives space for introspection and turning the focus inwards.
In doing so we are asked to face our own strife, storms and drama that we hold within.
How to break the cycle
Learn to trust the guys who are actually nice – and available.
Recognise what’s actually playing out for you.
Which of the above sounds true? What patterns are you playing out over and over again in dating and relationships?
Saying no to Yes Men is a good thing.
But letting go of an actual healthy, empowered man is another.
A guy in his power won’t necessarily fight for your attention or affection. He knows his worth. He doesn’t need to prove it in grand displays.
And he’s not interested in fighting for power over you either. He has enough of that within himself. He isn’t interested in taking yours.
He won’t ‘take it’ either. He’ll let you know what’s cool. And what isn’t. He’ll expect you to own your emotions, your feelings and accept responsibility for what’s yours.
He’ll celebrate your strength. And challenge you to be more than you are.
And he’ll also lean back so that you can show up wild, free and full of life. But without the drama.
Know yourself and take care of her
He expects you to know how to manage your own storms within. To know yourself enough so that you can recognise what’s going on inside. And own what is yours.
He’s available to listen as you express yourself clearly and with grace, even if it feels difficult.
This doesn’t mean you need to hide your emotions. It means understanding why you are feeling a certain way by asking yourself what is really going on with you. And why you’ve had such a strong reaction.
And from that place of self-knowing, sharing with him what you are experiencing and why.
If you struggle with understanding ‘your part’ and why you actually feel the way that you feel, then coaching can be a powerful way for you to gain insight into what’s really going on. Connect with me and I’ll help you to navigate your own inner world.
Live out the parts of you that want living.
Do you feel caged in by life? By how you are with friends and family? Is there a part of you that wants expressing so that you can feel more free in your life. And perhaps your sexuality.
Accept these parts of you. Celebrate them. Love them. Let them breathe.
Relationships can feel easy. And exciting. And wild. And fun.
And safe too. Learn to be ok with the unfamiliar. Allow yourself to receive the love and affection that comes your way.
Love like this might look different than what you’re used to – and thank goddess for that.