Many men come to me sharing that they are tired of sex (especially masturbation) that feels empty and unfulfilling.
After self-pleasuring, they wonder if it’s possible to feel good rather than empty or guilty about what they’ve just done.
And in partnered sex they want to experience more connection.
But what makes sex sacred?
Sex can indeed be something more than just a release of stress and / or built up unexpressed sexual energy.
More than an ‘activity’ that you add to the task list to ’do’ with another person.
Sex can make us feel more whole and complete.
Nourished.
Empowered.
Uplifted.
Loved.
When the sex we have is sacred it does all of this and more – it takes us out of this world.
Sacred sex:
Shifts how we experience ourselves.
And it changes how we experience one another.
We ‘wake up’ to parts of ourselves that we’ve hidden away or denied.
And this makes us feel more alive.
Women (like men) crave sexual experiences that fill them up not just with pleasure, though that’s definitely desired but with
Fullness and a sense of wholeness.
So that they come away from sex feeling completely nourished and satisfied.
Guys often want to know how to be the best lover that their partner has ever had.
Here are 3 ways to bring her there via sex that is sacred:
Intention
Set an intention to set the tone of your experience.
Clear intentions direct the experiences we have.
Keep your intention focused on what will serve you (and your partner’s) deepest desires and aligns with your highest values (eg truth, honesty, compassion, self-knowing, love).
Examples of exalted intentions are:
To fully connect with your partner and stay with the experience no matter how challenging
To discover new flavours of your own pleasure
To love and accept yourself and your body no matter what happens (or doesn’t)
You can share the intention with your partner or you can keep it to yourself.
Presence
This is perhaps the most important aspect of what makes sex feel sacred.
Presence is what women want most from the men that they are with. It’s what they ask for time and time again.
Women want to feel that you are there with them completely. That you are with them in the experience.
When they feel that you are fully there, they can trust you. And when they trust you, they can relax into their own experience and have access to their own pleasure.
How to do have more presence in bed:
Commit to being fully in your body and not in your head by coming back to your physical sensations over and over gain.
Commit to staying with whatever she experiences – whatever emotions comes up for her, whatever sounds come through, whatever movement she makes. Let it all be ok.
Commit to slowing way down and being more versus doing.
Tip: Beat the porn. Learn to Bridge:
If you use porn or fantasy to stimulate you, you’ll likely find it hard to get out of your head. Practice bridging when you masturbate. If you use porn when you self-pleasure, shift your focus from your head or external stimulus back to your body.
Over time you’ll be able to stay more in your body and with the experience and be less in your head (and not fully present).
Ritual
Our primal brains (the deepest part of our brains and the oldest part of our being) love ritual.
We can relax deeply into an experience when we know that there’s a beginning, middle and end.
In a ritual space we know that we are totally safe and won’t be disturbed because we’ve created a closed container for that experience to happen in.
Here’s how to set up a space for the ritual of lovemaking:
Time:
Set aside dedicated time - 15 -20 minutes.
And respect it
Show up for yourself. And for the other if with a partner.
Spontaneous lovemaking is great. But there’s nothing like scheduled time for sex – it gives us something to look forward to and can be very exciting.
Environment:
Tidy up the area so it’s clean and orderly.
Change the sheets or make the bed.
Lower the lights
The mood should feel grounding and good to body, mind and soul.
Sex is sacred when you
Feel loved and seen – in itself a form of worship
Are nourished by the experience of it – it fills you up
Connect more with who you truly are – aka ‘awaken’ to the truth of you
There is much more to sacred sex than this.