What makes a tantric massage different from say a sports massage or a massage with a happy ending?
Tantric massage focuses on pleasure and sensuality as much as on releasing stress and tension from the body. Orgasm and sex actually take a back seat. Though that may happen if you decide to move into lovemaking afterwards.
Tantric massage is a ritual-like full-bodied pleasure practice performed to facilitate deep connection with you, your body, your sexuality, and your partner through touch, deep relaxation, and by practicing complete presence.
It can be deeply healing and nourishing as the person receiving the massage learns to relax into their body and let go of any tension or holding stored there, specifically in regards to their sexuality.
And the person giving experiences being fully present with another, enabling the pleasure of the receiver, and connecting throughout the practice from the heart. This in itself is generative, fosters connection and is full of deeper meaning.
These 3 elements are foundational to learning how to give (and receive) a tantric massage:
Ritual
Intention
Presence + Connection
In this article I describe how these foundational elements are integral to the incredibly erotic experience of tantric massage.
Not all tantric massage involves genital touch. And whilst there are many ways to perform tantric massage, I’d argue that these are key components that make it what it is – a sacred experience of our sensual selves like no other.
Ritual
We humans looooove ritual.
Rituals give us a sense of safety and of connection. They imbue deeper meaning to life and even allow us the space within which we can transcend ourselves.
All of these are key to experiencing the heightened states of pleasure and deep nourishment to body, mind and soul that tantric massage offers.
Rituals want time and focus. A slowing down to stillness.
This allows the space for pleasure to surface, connection to deepen and erotic energy to flow.
Ritual will run throughout your massage session. Here’s how.
Intention
In rituals, the most ordinary of actions and gestures become transformed into symbolic expressions, their meaning reinforced each time they are performed.1
Intentions set a tone and give deeper layers of meaning to things. Intention hones our attention and asks for heightened involvement and immersion in the moment.
And in tantric massage an intrinsic part of the practice is to awaken sensuality and full feeling throughout the body.
Set an intention together
Setting an intention helps both the giver and receiver relax into the moment as it manages expectations, boosting confidence. It can alleviate anxiety about performing well as a masseur or about having to receive pleasure in a certain way.
Set an intention together before you begin the massage ritual. And state it again when you are ready to begin.
The intention for experience you’re about to share can be
To receive fully from another
To give fully from the heart
To allow whatever the experience is and not judge it
To connect deeply and accept whatever comes
To experience sensual touch with greater awareness
Create a sacred space
Transform your outer world and your internal world re-organises itself to expect to experience things differently. Creating a sacred space links to intentionality – this experience will be something more than just a regular old rub down.
Choose a place where you’ll perform the massage. This can be your bedroom or anywhere where you can get creative. Transform the space into something special by adding
Candles
Soft lighting
Clean sheets
Fresh flowers or petals
Sensual music
Presence + Connection
Ritual hones our attention and focus. It leads us to heightened involvement and immersion in the moment.
Conscious touch - be fully present
Have you ever been touched by someone who feels absent? It’s like the touch doesn’t really land. And it can even feel a bit creepy as you sense that their mind and heart are elsewhere.
It’s fundamental that both partners stay fully present throughout the massage.
You’d think this simple. But it’s very easy to drift away and get lost in our thoughts throughout.
For those receiving the massage:
Keep coming back to your body and the sensations in your body. With every touch you receive, be fully present for it and notice how your body responds.
What do you like?
What do you dislike?
What do you want more of?
What does your body need?
For those giving the massage:
Fill each stroke you give with awareness and love. Be intentional in how you approach your partner’s body. And notice how they respond. If you are not sure then that brings us to the next key: communication.
Connect through communication
We don’t talk enough during sex. We don’t talk enough about what we want. What we like. What feels good. To each other.
So tantric massage is a great way to introduce communication into your intimate life.
Ask the receiver things like:
How do you like the stroke – long and smooth or short and quick
How is the speed of the touch
What about the quality of the touch
Location
Pressure
Style
What part of them wants more touch
Respond by asking for more of what you like. Focus on what is good versus verbalising what you don’t like as this can feel like a criticism to your partner.
With tantric massage as ritual there is joint attention focused on the experience. We can perceive emotional synchrony with one another. We feel connected and in flow with each other’s bodies and rhythms.
And there can even be an experience of self–other overlap where you lose yourself in the experience of the other person.
These experiences can feel transcendent as you move from separateness to a shared experience of deep connection and love.
And the energy between you weaves and flows like water in a stream.
Staying present in your body even as you flow into another through pleasure is unique to what tantric massage offers.
End with gratitude and sharing
Rituals have a clear beginning, middle and end. This satisfies a fundamental need for order and is a buffer against uncertainty. When we feel safe and in control then we can more easily let ourselves go and relax into the moment and whatever arises.
End the massage by thanking each other for being part of a shared experience.
Take some time to share what you experienced both as the giver and receiver.
1. ‘The Psychology of Rituals: An Integrative Review and Process-Based Framework,’ Nicholas M. Hobson, Juliana Schroeder, Jane L. Risen, Dimitris Xygalatas and Michael Inzlicht