Ok so I’ll admit it, whilst I’m not a huge proponent of online dating I did meet my current partner on Tinder.
And for many others in long-distance relationships, cultivating a new relationship over the digi-sphere is nothing new.
So whilst I encourage people to meet in person quite quickly after they meet online, this strategy has shifted considering the environment that we live in.
And since we don’t really know how long we’ll be living in partial or full lockdown, I wanted to prepare you for whatever comes.
Here’s how to date in the era of Corvid-19:
1. Make tech your friend. Go online, but not obsessively.
Update your profile if you have a dusty one. Or create a new one if you’ve never had one to begin with.
You are aiming for maximum authenticity in your profile. A true representation of you. It’s difficult to be objective about ourselves so run your online persona by a friend or two who aren’t afraid to be honest and ask if they feel it’s an accurate representation of who you are.
Don’t spend more than 7-10 minutes a day (!!) on the app. And once you’ve swiped right on 9 people, halt the motion and work with those 9 humans.
More tips on how to best play the dating apps from dating expert Nichi Hodgson.
2. Cyberspace is the place to be
Should you meet in person?
No!
Even if your potentially soon-to-be sexual partner shows no symptoms, they could be a carrier of coronavirus. This is NOT a sexy ‘how we first met’ story for the grandkids. It’s just not.
Fortunately we have the tech to help bridge the gap between the static 2D photo of us online and our living breathing 3D selves. Skype, Zoom, WhatsApp…the options are there.
Ok so meeting in a video conference isn’t exactly the 3rd dimension but it’s close enough for now.
Whilst you won’t get the potentially intoxicating hit of someone’s scent or feel the temperature of their touch, you’ll get lots more info than if you are simply texting or speaking on the phone.
3. How long do you wait before hopping from text to video?
Same rule applies here as they did in a corona free world – the sooner the better.
You can get a pretty good sense of someone from meeting them via video.
Just keep in mind this is still not the full picture. Some people are actually quite different in ‘real life’ than they are even ‘on camera’.
And it takes quite some time to really get to know someone well enough to qualify them as relationship material.
4. How do I show up strong on a virtual date?
I recommend following all the ‘in person’ etiquette you normally would:
Be on time
Dress the part
Be fully present
Set aside the time separate from work. No sneaky dates in between WFH meetings.
Take time to switch from ‘work mode’ to ‘date mode’.You don’t want to bring your badass boss attitude to date time…unless that’s your thing.
Change your clothes, preen. Present yourself as you would on a date. Be ready to engage fully with the person on the other end of the line.
If you do decide to buck social distance protocol and meet in person (not recommended), be safe – meet in a populated public space like a park in daytime. Let someone know where you’ve gone. And until you reach a high level of trust and safety, don’t meet at each other’s homes.
5. What to do on the first few dates
Again, this follows ‘real world’ considerations:
Make the first few dates short ones. Have a virtual coffee together. Or a virtual vino. Though keep in mind alcohol compromises the immune system so you might want to skip the bubbly.
Gradually up the time you spend together over time. Long-distance relationship pros often decide on an activity that connects them such as low commitment games like Words With Friends.
You can then work up to candle lit dinners.
Watching Netflix together is also good. Ok it’s minus the cuddles, but those will come soon enough. More on bridging the physical intimacy gap later in this article.
Whatever you decide to do together, communication is key. To maintain the connection though, you have to be vulnerable.
Being vulnerable means sharing your emotional world with another in an open and honest way. It involves a bit of risk taking. And discernment as you decide whether you are ready to trust another with the landscape of your inner world. And if they are ready to receive it.
Read more about how to be vulnerable here.
Vulnerability fosters emotional intimacy and even mental intimacy.
But what about the physical stuff?
6. When is the right time to ‘go all the way’?
As things heat up between the two of you, physical intimacy may come into the picture. But how, you ask? And when’s the right time for that?
We don’t talk about sex enough – with our long-term partners, with our friends – never mind with our dates.
So I see this period as an exceptional opportunity to establish open communication around what you like, what you don’t like, and how you want it.
In fact, communication is SO key to having better sex, that this could be the beginning of the best sex you’ve ever had simply because you have set a precedent that talking about what you want is ok.
Getting comfortable with talking about your desires and listening to your partner’s as well can be a challenge.
It involves letting go of the shame that we’ve learned to associate with sex.
It also demands a high level of trust. You don’t want to share anything that you are not ready to, not even verbally. Know your boundaries and respect them. You don’t have to be with someone physically to feel violated.
If it’s just not feeling right, then get out fast. Slam that laptop shut.
The ‘right’ time is when you both feel ready to up-level on intimacy. We can take a leaf out of the book of long-distance lovers who recommend starting slowly with sexting on WhatsApp (more secure than messaging) and working from there.
And as in the ‘real world’ make sure you are taking care of yourself through a healthy self-pleasure practice.
It’s beneficial to let this become habit as healthy sex, whether solo or with someone, boosts the immune system (key right now), allows for emotional expression and improves mental health.
It takes the pressure off of our unrealistic expectation that our partner should want the same amount of sex that we do at the same time. As if!
Make sure you’re getting a regular dosage of nourishing solo sex – it’s one of the best things you can do for yourself – and your sex life.
You don’t have to wait for the coronavirus to pass before moving forward with your personal life. You can do the ground work now to prepare you for the partnership of a lifetime.
Email me here to sign up for a free 15 minute clarity call: andrea@lushcoaching.com