It hit me like a cold, hard slap in the face.
‘Is that the story you’re telling yourself?, she asked me.’
What the f*ck did she mean, ‘the story.’
I had recounted the cold, hard, facts truthfully to my coach…facts which stung, btw.
Facts like:
> I had been on date after date after date. Well over 100.
> I had liked …ok not that many… but actually enough of those men I’d have happily gone on 2nd dates with to see where it might lead.
> And none of these dates had gone anywhere.
Based on the facts
The evidence so painfully and clearly written before me
Year after year
Failed date after failed date
I had come to the conclusion that
I’m just not that good with men
I’m just not attractive in that way
And anyway, I’m better on my own
I do good as ‘me’, single, independent, balanced, happy.
The end.
That was my story.
And it’s the same story that I hear from clients over and over again.
Except that I couldn’t accept the ending of the story – and neither do the people I work with.
The ending being
Living our lives.
Alone.
Forever.
The truth is, until we learn how to shift our stories
Learn how to look at the past differently
And tell a new story about it
Based on new truths
Things simply do not change.
So that there’s more possible endings…and beginnings
Things don’t change.
‘So tell me what else is true,’ my coach asked.
Errrmmmm well … I was hesitant.
The truth was, it felt more comfortable being the victim of my story than writing any other role for myself in it.
I could feel my heels digging in.
I felt tired. Exhausted.
Like some sort of inner battle was waging
But I couldn’t see clearly who was fighting.
My story served me.
It made me feel powerful.
It reminded me that ‘I could ‘do life’ on my own and be just fine.’
But was telling this same story over and over again, helping me now?
HELL no.
So I began to re-write the story, however reluctantly.
‘I had a pretty good time on that date and I thought it went well but I’ve not heard back from him and he didn’t reply to my text so….maybe…
> He really liked me and kind of freaked out
> He went on the date even though he’s not really ready for a relationship
> He’s got something going on I can’t see, but I’m going to trust this is for the better
> Maybe, just maybe, it’s about him and not about me.
The old story would have sounded like:
> I’m just not that attractive to men.
> I should have been more __________ (fill in blanks).
> Maybe I was too ____________(fill in blanks).
> Why is it easier for __________(fill in various names of other women who seemed good at this)
Now don’t get me wrong, I still knew that I’d have to change or shift things within me if I wanted to see different results in love and life.
After all, I was the common denominator, the main character in this lifetime of stories.
And I knew that I had to do things differently.
But the changes I needed to make looked different than I’d imagined.
Starting with this thing about storytelling.
So I began to write new stories for myself
Beginning with small edits to the script (because changing the whole damn story all at once didn’t feel good to me).
As I edited my story over and over again, new possibilities emerged.
Possibilities like:
> Maybe it’s not all about me, maybe it’s about them too
> I hold a unique flavour of beauty, and I’m attractive in my own way (once I owned this one from the inside out, it became my new normal – I turned heads and knew I was alluring)
> It’s great to know that I’m ace at being single and can ‘do this’ on my own, so it’s ok to take a risk and open myself up more. I can always go back to being single if it doesn’t work out.
Now, after years of focus on self-development and through professional study, I know that the way that I was telling my story and how I felt about it are a normal part of human functioning.
And though normal, not one that we have to submit to once we are aware of what is going on.
So if you feel stuck when it comes to relationships and love, begin to ask yourself the following questions
To detect whether you are telling yourself a story
To see if there might be an opportunity for you to ‘change the script’
And actively create possibilities for a new ending
What story do you find yourself telling over and over again about love, relationships and sex? Do you sound like a broken record? If yes, welcome to your story.
What do you insist on as true?
Which truths serve and empower you?
Which ones feel limiting and debilitating?
What would you say to the part of you that holds on to fear? To the part of you that wants to dream?
What becomes possible when you begin to look at things differently?
What opportunities open up?
New stories will, at the very least, break a pattern of thought that has long held you back.
They will pave the way for and open you up to new possibilities.
So that you might actually get the ending to the story that you want.
Let me help you become aware of the stories you’re telling yourself and support you in the process of writing new ones in a way that feels grounded, realistic and true to you.
Sign up for a 15 minute chat with me and we’ll talk about how.
And if you want to learn about why / how our brains craft and interpret stories, here’s the neuroscience on it.