Guys are often charged with the accusation of not being ‘emotionally available’.
That you are not able or ready to share your deep, rich emotional world with women – or anyone for that matter.
The same can be said however, for many women.
Not all women are willing to open their hearts and bear all to anyone who comes forward – even if (and sometimes ESPECIALLY if) that person is a man whom we fancy.
So how can you tell in early stage dating, that she’s actually ready for the deeper connection you crave and that gives meaning to intimate relationships?
Here are 3 things to watch out for:
Deep talk vs cheap talk
You talk for hours and hours about all of the ‘things’ happening in her life. The people she meets, the activities she does, the world around her.
BUT she never go deep into what’s really going on within. You know facts and figures. The people and places.
You don’t know how she feels about it all or what it all means to her.
This after several very long conversations.
It’s all about you.
She lets you go on and on about you. It’s flattering at first. She seems very curious to learn about you. So you open up. About the small stuff…how you love to cycle, your boat, your favourite albums. And about the big stuff…how you were bullied when you were little and it hurt, how your brother is your best friend, the things that give your life a sense of purpose.
And after the patter of your voice dissipates, she fires another question at you and off you go again.
BUT she reciprocates with short answers to your questions about her and deflects them back to you.
You realise that once again, she gives away very little about her inner world.
She doesn’t walk the walk.
She has an active social life with friends and family and does lots of activities. You’re glad that she’s got an independent spirit and life of her own
BUT there’s very little space for you in it. She keeps putting off dates. And it feels like your two universes never quite eclipse.
You get the sense that there’s an invisible wall up – it’s there even if you can’t see it.
I’ll be frank with you – a shortage of time isn’t the issue. We make time for things we care about and are invested in. So whilst a part of her wants to be in a relationship, another part of her isn’t quite there yet – and it likely has nothing to do with you.
Pursuing a woman feels challenging and fun for some. However you do not have to convince or cajole someone into spending time with you. Check in on how much you are giving – and whether she’s truly ready to receive graciously the gift of your time and attention.
Deep connection – the kind you crave not just in your relationship but in sex too – begins with each person’s ability to be vulnerable with one another.
And whilst trust-building is something that takes time, some women need to do the deeper level work on themselves before any bridges you create to build this trust can be crossed.